Is 2010 Over Yet?

I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Not that there is a guarantee that 2011 will be better. But I can hope, although hope is a dangerous thing. It leads to disappointment repeatedly.

But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.

For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.

So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.

Merry Almost Christmas

My boys behavior has been atrocious this last week. They have not been living up to their "sweet" nicknames. Between spilling hot chocolate on my laptop, writing on the coffee table and just plain fighting, snarkiness and whining, I was beyond aggravated with them.

So I postponed Christmas. You heard me. I postponed Christmas, until they could act like the boys that I usually know and love. So Ducky had them Christmas Eve and brought them over this morning. Santa still came, we couldn't ask the poor man to make another trip today, and the yearlong record has been pretty good. But all the Mommy presents were going to wait a day. Because if you threaten to do it, you must follow through.

So it was a mellow day. They played with the stuff they brought from Ducky's house and the gifts from Santa. We had dinner and spent the afternoon at our good friends. The boys returned to their normal behavior. And the funny thing is they didn't really mind waiting another day. It just prolongs the fun. I made my point without it being excruciatingly painful for anyone. And for years to come, they will know that mom does what she says.

So tomorrow morning, we will open gifts and we will get to extend that Christmas feeling another day. We will have new toys to play with and games to try. We'll hang out together and maybe enjoy the start of a new tradition. Who knows?

So Much To Say

All these ideas are running through my head, but I can't seem to articulate any of them.

It is strange to be sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve. I've spent the whole day alone, except for a brief shopping excursion with sweetE, so he could shop for sweetP. I finally got a Christmas card from my parents, two weeks after everyone else, complete with a snarky note. If you don't have someone's address, but you do have their phone number, wouldn't you just call and ask for it? Seems to be the easiest solution. But the gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are ready, only the Christmas cards aren't done. And it took as long as ever.

I am ready for 2010 to be over. It has been a year of great upheaval and unhappiness, change and adjustment. While itt hasn't all been bad, I am ready to move on from all of it. A friend made a comment about how different I am now than I used to be. And I am, even if I still sometimes suffer from soggy pillow syndrome. I have high hopes for 2011. But right now, it just seems a little strange. Like I am still waiting.

Oh, My Velcro

To My Dearest Velcro,

Happy early Birthday. I don't know if you will make it to Christmas Eve. So just in case, here are many of the reasons I love you.

• Your little doggy eyes always light up when you see me.
• You have the most expressive face and ears.
• The zoom.
• You have been my most loyal friend for more than 13 years, more than most of my human friendships.
• Your nose juice is impossible to get off things!
• The hair right past your nose is one of the softest, most perfect places to touch.
• I was your person.
• You know how to say hi.
• That you would get stuck on the stairs trying to come upstairs to sleep by me.
• You always knew when I needed cheering up.
• You let the boys dress you up.
• You didn't complain when you got demoted.
• You were my first child and in some ways the most spoiled.
• I think you exploded hair on purpose.
• You are the only dog I know that fills and clogs a shop vac with your massive quantities of hair.
• How as a puppy you would roll from side to side in your doggy pool to cool off with a huge grin on your face.
• You made crunchy spots on the carpet when you got a new rawhide bone.
• Your nose drips and leaves little puddles.
• Your happy place is the beach.

Velcro, I'm not ready for you to go. But then again, I don't think I will ever be ready for you to go. I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left, but I thought you would be more comfortable in your house with your yard and a herd of boys to entertain you. But don't think I haven't missed your sweet self every day. My sweet, silly, wonderful, fuzzy, friend/dog/child. I will always love you.

My Ode to Velcro three years ago.

Um, Speechless

What does it say when it appears that your own parents have taken sides in your divorce? And the side they chose is not their child's? What does that say?!? They have not out and out said it, and frankly I don't want to ask, because right now I can't handle the answer.

My ex gets the email updates on what is going on in their life. I do not. He got a Christmas card from them. I did not. And we don't exchange gifts anymore, so I cannot expect one to arrive in a package. He was informed of my mother's surgery. I was not. He has received pictures of the boys from them. I have received nothing. When I do talk to them, no mention is made of how I am doing. If I say anything, the conversation ends, abruptly.

I find out what is going on in their lives from him. Even when I talked to my mother on the phone earlier that day! So, am I being paranoid, or does it seem like they chose him over me?

And frankly, with the frustrations of an unsuccessful job search, it is just a little more than I can take. I already have issues of not feeling like I am good enough, and they are fueling that fire like crazy. Let's see, failed as daughter. Check. Failed as wife. Check. Failing to find a full time job. Check. Feel like I am failing as a parent, since the boys are forever wanting to be at the other house. Check. (For the record, I try not to take that personally, but it is still salt in the wound.) It is really no wonder that I am feeling like a failure lately.

You would think that after all the years and ways that I have felt a failure, it wouldn't bother me so much anymore. But, I am forever the pleaser, so bother me it does.

I DARE You!

In 5th grade, student go through the DARE program, Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Our School Resource Officer, an honest to goodness police officer, comes and teaches it. Students get an opportunity to ask him questions. And this goes under the "kids say the darndest things" category.

Yesterday's questions.
Have you ever shot anyone?
• No
Have you ever had to use your mace?
• Yes
Have you ever used your whacker?
• Yes (said with a straight face, bless him)
Can we see your whacker?
• Yes (and he proceeds to remove his baton from his belt, also with a straight face, while any eye contact with my teaching partner is completely avoided)

Poor man left his whacker in our classroom.

ADHD Bumblebee

I was trying to go to sleep. Somehow I managed to get myself into bed at a reasonable hour, only to have my brain shift into overdrive. Thoughts are flying through my head in NASCAR style passing each other and changing seamlessly into a total stream of consciousness. Things I want to say to people, but know that I never will. I have the most eloquent conversations in my head, but somehow those particular conversations never go as rehearsed, even if the other person never says a word. I have been known to hold actual eloquent conversations, but never those that I have rehearsed. It is like I use up all the good stuff the first time around. Maybe I shouldn't rehearse anything. But, then again, the people I want to talk to are rarely around when I think of these things.

See how my brain works, it is still slipping around from thought to thought like an ADHD bumblebee going from flower to flower. I should probably do something productive, like write cover letters for jobs I need to apply for. But with how my brain is functioning, I'm not sure they would make sense. Although, the letters that make sense don't seem to be working, so maybe overdrive brain letters would be better. My fingers are having a hard time keeping up with the thoughts though. As I sit here writing, I am analyzing what I wrote in a way that I never have. Am I using complex sentences, transitions, conjunctions? I have to teach writing this year, and all I will say is that I really, really miss teaching science.

What does it mean when you look up and see the word he:ll on your phone? It is sitting on the other side of my laptop facing away from me. It was 11:34 or hell. And now it is apparently time to sell, since it just became 11:35.

I can't believe that this year is rapidly approaching an end. And what a lot has happened this year. I cannot say that I will be sad to see 2010 end. It has been a tough year, filled with change, upheaval, frustration. I keep waiting for everything to work itself out. So much is hinging on when the new job happens. I am ready for it, new challenges, the last big change. Then I think I will have all the change I can handle for a while. But I am so ready for this last change to happen. Now, I just have to figure out the magic formula that will get me a call back. What the magic buzzwords are to list, what game to play, what persona to wear. It's hard for a girl that believes in being straightforward and honest, who says it like it is. So I am just waiting for the company that thinks that those are good qualities to have in addition to a few other strengths that I possess.

Time to attempt the sleep thing again. Wish me luck.

Twists and Turns

Life has a funny way of doing it's own thing. Regardless of what I think should happen, life is going to do exactly what it wants. I will admit to being just a little bit of a control freak. Ok, maybe more than a little. I like things done the way that I want them to be done. There is my way and the wrong way.

Long ago I planned out my life. I made some modifications along the way. The one day my plan flew out the window and life took over. My happily ever after stopped being happy. My carefully crafted life fell to pieces with one swift move. My backup plan failed. Things stopped happening how I thought. Over and over again.

But, along the way some new things started to happen. I rediscovered who I am. I realized I am a work in progress, that I will continue to grow and change. Happiness has made a reappearance. There are still kinks to be worked out, wrinkles that need to be ironed.

Life is taking its own sweet time in putting the details of my life together. I am learning new levels of frustration in the job search. It will work out, but soon would be nice.

The surprises and changes to what I believed to be true will continue. I will continue to learn and adapt along the way. One day it will all be ok again. Everything will work out. I will be better and stronger. For now at least, it is nice to be happy again.

My Luck

The school year is starting on Wednesday for my students. I was supposed to be full time long before now. But there are 80 less teachers in my district this year than last. So it is no wonder that I am still only partially employed. I have had six interviews with six identical results. I am not a big fan of the phrase, "we have decided to go with a different candidate." It is not that I didn't do a good job. The latest principal couldn't think of a single thing that I should do differently. Fate and luck have just not been on my side.

So now it may be time to leave education. But how do I parlay my experiences as a teacher into the private sector? How do I persuade people who believe the old adage, "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach." It is a tough year to be in need of a job. My computer science skills are rusty at best. I find jobs that I know I would be great at, but convincing them will be an uphill battle.

I have the feeling that I will be hearing a lot more of my least favorite phrase.

Another Day

I will just start by saying that I know I have many things to be thankful for. I have two healthy boys that adore me. Even if I hear way too often how they want to go to "Dad's house." I don't take it personally. I do not suffer from any life threatening conditions, although occasionally I have legitimate reasons (as in kidney stones and killer migraines) to think that death might be preferable. And I am living through a divorce that is about as good as a divorce can get. I want what is best for him and he wants what is best for me. In the end, we both want the other person to be happy.

But it is hard to focus on the positive. When all of the negatives are at the forefront! The new school year is rapidly approaching and I am still only partially employed, but enjoy full time bills. I keep hearing "no," even for a full time version of the job I already have. In my head I know that there are legitimate reasons for them to choose other people, but it still hits square in the gut that I couldn't even get that. I am intelligent and good at what I do. And I can't seem to get a job doing what I do well. So what am I going to do now?

I have good days and bad days. Days where I know it will all work out and days where it seems like nothing I do will make a difference. The only thing I feel like I have control over is working out. So I am working out a lot. Trying to shrink the upholstery that I have added over the years. I see progress, but not as fast as I would like.

And I am so tired of being strong. Of not letting the world see all the cracks that I am feeling. All the ways I feel vulnerable. How I would like to cry myself to sleep some night, except I can't even let myself do that. If I do, I wake up to a killer headache. I am being strong for myself. I am at the point that I know I will crack soon. Who will the lucky recipient be of my complete and total meltdown? The person who will get to sweep up the pieces that I have been working so hard to hold together. Other people have family to help hold them together when their world falls apart. I have me. Only me.

My own father told me that "You can do what you want, but don't 'mess up" your kids." No support there. This was after a half hour of listening to how my brother was a saint, and how good Ducky looked. Nothing was said about me, except to do what I wanted as long as I don't screw up my kids. No "this must be hard, or how are you doing, or you are looking good," just don't let it affect the kids. Thanks for caring. It is really hard to feel completely alone in the world. I have some great friends, but they have their own lives and families and can't support you the way family is supposed to. But what should I expect, they have always expected me to to support myself in every way.

But just once it would be nice to feel like I mattered to the people that share my genetics. Except my dear sis who I know will read this, know that you are forever in a special place in my heart as I know I am in yours.

My Funky Monkey Feet

Check out my new monkey feet. I am training for a walking relay and my new running shoes, the ones that are the exact same as the old running shoes except different colors, were killing my poor little feet. I finished a five and half mile walk and had a blister the size of a dime on the side of my heel. Not even in a normal blistering spot. And my feet hurt. And I had already run about 50 miles in them, so it wasn't that they weren't broken in.

So I started doing a little research. And I found these shoes. It is like being barefoot, but with protection!!! What could be better than that? So I splurged and got a pair. I mean come on, you only have one pair of feet and they have to last you a lifetime. That is true about teeth too, but apparently they didn't get the memo. But I digress, more on the teeth later.

Everything I read said to break them in slowly, that you get sore in a whole new way. So I started with one mile. One little blister and a sore toe, no sore muscles. And no sore feet. Hmmmm. So two weeks later, blister is gone, big toes still get a little sore on the bottom, but I think they will toughen up. The calf muscles were a little sore as I upped the distance, but nothing major. But most importantly, my feet don't hurt when I get home. And this is after walking or running a few miles on pavement. Oh, happy feet.

But boy, they do look a little silly. SweetP has already claimed them when his feet get bigger. The boys have seen a lot of them since almost every night I make them go for a walk or run with me for a mile or two. The boys ride their scooters and off we go.


They look even more like monkey feet on the bottom.

So about those teeth. I somehow managed to chip a hole in the side of one of my bottom molars this morning. I think there might already be a filling there and part of that chipped off. But it is really bizarre that it is on the side and kind of like it was drilled a little. Dentist appointment on Friday. Ugh, I am out of insurance money.

Summer Adjustment

Every year school gets out and I look forward to summer and relaxing and recharging. And every year those first few weeks of summer are a challenge. I forget until I am a few weeks into it that this happens every year.

The month leading up to summer vacation is a whirlwind of finishing projects and looking forward to the idea of summer. And then it arrives and the reality doesn't match the expectation. It takes a while to find the rhythm of summer. The boys and I have to find our groove together. The sudden end to routines. We have to get used to being around each other all day, everyday. It takes some time to work out the kinks.

This year, I don't know if it will follow the usual pattern. I don't know if we will find our rhythm. It is just one more change in my "Year of Change." But I am hopeful that the boys and I will work it out. No matter what, I still love summer.

Beyond My Control

I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to see what is coming and have a plan for everything. I like it when my life is neat and orderly.

My life is not neat and orderly anymore. I am still only partially employed and that scares me to death. All I can do is apply for jobs that fit and wait for someone to decide that I am the best fit. And that is out of my control. I can do my best to convince them, but the decision is not mine to make.

I am learning to trust people again. I have learned over the years that the only person that I can really rely on is myself. It is a sad and cynical view on life, but too many times I have been disappointed by people. And lately, that is more true than ever. Family, friends, acquaintances, partners. There are members of my own family that have reached out to Ducky and have not so much as said one word to me. Every single friend that decided to choose sides has chosen his side. There are people who have inadvertently said hurtful things.

It seems like almost everything is beyond my control. So I am doing the only thing I can. I am working on how I react to all of these things. Sometimes it seems that I am failing miserably. But what can I do, but keep working on the only things that I can control. Me. How I feel. Whether I go into over-analyze mode. Whether I let others upset me.

Even with all the upheaval, things are looking like they will be okay in the end. But the waiting for all the kinks to work out is driving me nuts.

Stock in Kleenex

Today I needed stock in Kleenex. Today, all of my tanks were on E, the warning light was on. Optimism, energy, hope, all empty. No shortage of changes lately. Normally, I cope fairly well.

All week I have been waiting to hear if I got one of the jobs I had applied and interviewed for. That I really wanted. I think I may be psychic because I just knew I wasn't going to get them. Not because I wasn't qualified. Not because I didn't interview well. Not because I couldn't be successful in them and do a good job. But I just knew it wasn't going to work out.

And it didn't. Today budget cuts were announced. Some amazing people lost their jobs. And because of that, plans changed. What they had decided they needed and wanted changed. While I had been a front runner for two jobs, I suddenly lost out. Not once, but twice in one day.

One of them had just felt right. The principal, the staff, the building. All felt right. Like it was meant to be. I was told it was an excruciating decision. The job has two parts. And my skill set, my strengths seem to be in the wrong half.

Today, disappointment was just a little more than I could take.

The World Just Spins Faster

I can see June and it is on the horizon. And while part of me is begging for it to be here now, the rest of me knows that I am not ready. There are so many lessons left to teach. Miles yet to run. Things to accomplish. Changes to be made. How will I ever get enough done to warrant the arrival of June.

I wish it was June because then I would know what job I will have for next year. At least I better know by then. I should be moved into a new place so my transient life of packing and unpacking will be over. The divorce will be well on its way to being done. Both Ducky and I will be happy about that. We are the weirdest divorcing people you will ever meet. By June I hope to feel settled again, less crazy and ready to stride confidently into the summer.

But, if it was June I would be cramming in lessons and trying to finish projects. I would need to start thinking about summer stuff. And, dear friends, I promise not to be a hermit this summer. I will go to park days and make play dates and not let the summer pass by in a blur.

But I knew that June would be here in the blink of an eye after spring break. It always is. And yes, I am fully aware that June is still over a month away. Just watch, it will be here before any of us realize. It sneaks up on me every year.

I Am a Stranger to My Own Blog

I can't believe I haven't written anything in well over a month. I would call myself a slacker, but I know I am not. So I won't. And I have had plenty to say, just no time to write.

I am working on the full time job prospects. Spring break was a blur and I could have used another week. I got another year older. I ran another race and did better, but not as well as I wanted. I took all the snowmen down in my house, finally, but they are sitting in a chair and not packed yet. The packing and unpacking is starting to drive me a little nuts. I am rapidly realizing that June will be here before I know it. Too many of my sentences are starting with I. I am thoroughly enjoying all the good things that have been happening lately. But I am also anxiously waiting for a few other things to happen so I can get moving on other things. Patience is not always my strong suit.

Lots of other life moments, but it isn't necessarily time to share them yet.

Random Ramblings

I should be grading the tests I gave last week and still haven't graded, but instead here I am. I am completely overwhelmed by life at the moment, nothing huge, just a collection of a little of this and a little of that and it totals just a little too much. As long as I remember to breath it will all be just fine.

I am seriously considering going and getting a pint of caramel cone Haagen Dazs ice cream. It is really yummy, but then I would eat the whole thing this weekend. Then I would have to work out more and I don't have time for that until next weekend. So maybe I will exert some willpower and stay home and hope the feeling passes before I go to the store tomorrow.

I got to hold a one day old baby. He squeaked in that adorable way that new babies do. My arms are sore now. I am super happy for my friend and so very glad that it isn't me. I loved my boys when they were babies, but I have no desire to do that again.

I got contacts yesterday, but didn't want to deal with them today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not until Saturday.

I still haven't finished filling out the application to become full-time. In my defense it is very long and requires memories I have to dig for. I hope to have it done before I leave work tomorrow. Since I am using it to apply within the district I think it is okay that I am using district time to do it. That and I gift them more time than I am using, so it all balances in the end. And come to think of it, I think I was working on it after my work hours anyway.

I need to remember to update my booklist on the side bar before I forget all the books I have read. It seems to be one of the many little aspects of my life that I have been neglecting.

Can't believe that March starts next week. When did that happen? This split week thing that I am living makes the time fly. Spring break is in just three weeks. I want to go someplace fun, but alas I don't think that is going to happen.

I don't like it when bad things happen to good people. My mother-in-law's cancer is back. Doesn't seem fair. She still intends to live to see sweetE graduate from high school. I love her attitude.

I was nearly late to work today because of an accident. An 85 year old woman hit a pedestrian, proceeded to panic and then ran over her twice. And then was worried about losing her license, claiming she was just having a bad day. Did she ever stop to think about the other person's day? I think it was worse than hers. I am sure there is more to the story, but that is all I've got. When I am old, feel free to pull my license before I become a public menace. Sorry if this offends, but elderly drivers scare me. My grandfather used to drive centered on the yellow center line and complain about the other drivers. I would actively pray for everyone's survival, and I don't usually pray.

Even with my delay, I still decided that the stop for coffee was warranted and necessary. I can't say that I am addicted since I generally have decaf, but today I needed the caffeine. I had the worst time getting going this morning.

Have I mentioned my dislike of mornings? And since it will be here long before I am ready, I had better go grade those tests.

Social Circles

Once upon a time, I was a party girl. I always knew where the party was and never had to make plans for the weekend. My how things change. Fast forward twenty years and I am a suburban mom. All my friends are suburban moms. My friends from high school, all married with kids. I skipped making the whole college circle of friends, hazard of marrying before college. That and my high school circle went to the same college I did. Then the work friends, married with kids. And finally the mom friends, married with kids.

My entire social circle is married with children. Wouldn't be a problem except for this little twist life sent me. So I have every weekend, kid free. And all of my friends are spending time with husbands or kids. So it appears that it is time to expand the social circle. The only problem is that life in suburbia, especially my neck of suburbia, does not lend itself to finding other people without weekend plans.

Oddly enough, my weekends have been pretty busy. I am looking forward to a a leisurely weekend this week. But I still need to find some friends that will be able to be spontaneous and not need a week of planning and a babysitter to go do stuff. So even though I planned to not start any new projects this year, it is feeling like a new project. Wish me luck.

A New Normal

It has been a crazy week. I have been noticing random things at every turn. But of course haven't written them down so none of them come to mind. Life is slowly settling into a new routine. My weeks fly by now in a way that they never did before.

I have rediscovered the me that I had lost. I like her. I am happy again. Not that life is perfect, nor do I expect it to be. Today, even after walking through the rain, having a migraine and surviving one of the more unpleasant parts of my job (a holiday party) I had an awesome day. And it seems like I feel that way about most days. I have always been an optimist, but now even more than ever. I am still balanced with a healthy dose of reality though, so don't think I have gone all Pollyanna on you.

Life is now filled with packing and unpacking. Hellos and good-byes. A never ending to-do list. Parallel lives.

I am looking forward to each new day. Not getting up in the morning, some things never change, mostly because I don't get to bed when I need to. Even when there are things I know I don't like, like riding school buses loaded with children or holiday parties (both of which I experienced this week), I still have a spring in my step and a smile on my face again. I am no longer the grump in the room. It is interesting how once things turn around, you then realize how bad they were.

So I had better get to bed and get ready for another great, but very busy, day.

A Random Post

I was going to write a post, but never did think of a topic. This window has been open for hours, no inspiration came. I am apparently going deaf because I was watching a movie tonight with my phone a mere two feet away and didn't notice that it rang. Oops.

I only left the house to run today, otherwise I graded papers all day because grades are due on Monday. I managed to get behind again. Maybe I need to use more severe swear words when I swear that the coming quarter will be different.

My dream job is a reality, but will it be my reality. I'll tell you in about a month.

Benadryl gives me insomnia. Hence so does Nyquil. Bummer. This is a new development, wonder how/why side effects can change like that.

Grapefruit juice on paper cuts stings. A lot. Paper cuts should be considered an occupational hazard for teachers. We should be given hazard pay. Won't happen, but a girl can dream.

And now I am going to go dream in bed. Thank you for enjoying my ramblings.

Confidence

I have gotten to enjoy some serious quality (and quantity) time with me in the last several months. And even more in the last few weeks. I have been able to draw a few conclusions and make a few plans. All of which have brought me to the realization that my confidence in every area of my life had reached an all time low. However, all of that has changed.

Tonight, as I enjoyed a solid case of insomnia, I hopped on the Wii Fit to attempt to get tired. Didn't work, so I am blogging. While stepping away, I was suddenly aware that most of the time I am liking what I see reflecting back at me. My physical confidence has surged in a way that I would have never anticipated. I have worked hard to get here and seeing results rocks. I am still very much a work in progress, but I can definitely tell that I will get where I want to be. And that feels amazing. After so many years of not liking what I was seeing, but not being motivated to do anything about it, I am wishing I had found motivation earlier. I have found the exercise habit, who'da thunk it.

So thinking about physical confidence branched off to other kinds of confidence. I am setting a new course of action professionally and that is inspiring a new professional confidence to go try some new things. It also meant that I got up in front of the entire staff and acted like my authentic dorky self. (It's true, I am a goof ball.) And while I may have caught some eye rolling, I don't care. I was also reminded that teachers are the worst group to present to. We so rarely get to talk to each other that when we are together we have a tendency to talk to each other and ignore the presenter. Of course, we hate it when our students act this way. But overall professionally, things are looking amazing.

Last weekend I had a turning point. I came to some startling realizations. I needed to find my happy. And my happy depends on me. I need to surround myself with people that enhance that happy. I have been in the most amazing mood since determined a plan to make that happen. Even though there have been several challenging events over the past few days, they haven't phased me. I have found my emotional confidence.

I am not going to let these confidences go. I have worked too hard to find them and I am a better person because of it. And I feel awesome, inside and out.

Ups & Downs

So yesterday was clearly a down day. Somedays it is hard not to dwell on the parts of my life that are laying about my feet in a thousand pieces, clearly not meant to be put back together. Instead, from the rubble something new and better is meant to be built. It is an energizing thought, when it is not completely overwhelming.

I once saw a greeting card that stated, "Pick of the shattered pieces of your life and move on." I am there. And I have forever kicked myself for not buying it. The pickle here, is that I am not the only party involved. And as such, I cannot simply do what I want and what is best for me. I have picked up the shattered pieces and am ready to move on, but I am being held back by others hopes that what is so badly broken can be fixed.

I am motivated by two factors, what is best for me and what is best for the boys. So far the boys are adjusting well. We have tried to limit the changes to their lives. They consistently stay at the house, we move back and forth. They call the missing parent at bedtime every night and any other time they need to talk. We have tried to limit the difficulty for them, because none of this is their fault.

On the upside, my professional life is suddenly clicking in ways I wouldn't have considered even a few months ago. The funny part is that I would have never considered making a change if my personal life wasn't falling apart. As I evaluated what I would need in the coming years, going back full time became a must. Then, because if I was going to work full-time, a multitude of options became available. I needed to take some classes to up my income, so why not get a new license and open more doors. I am looking into becoming an administrator (aka principal). If I am going to be a strong, independent working mom, I might as well go as far as I can. So after speaking with my current principal, I am getting to try on a few administrative tasks. A new position is being discussed (one of those, you didn't hear this but conversations) and my name came up as a potential person to fill it. The puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place.

So there are ups and downs to my life, as there always are. Right now the spectrum is just wider than normal. I am confident that in the end, I will be okay. It will just be a rough ride while I get there.

Run Away

I want to run away. I want to start over some place else. I want to be selfish and only think of myself for a change. I want to go back in time and change decisions that I made. I don't like how things are. I don't like how I feel like I need to make everyone happy. I am tired of absorbing everyone else's pain. I am tired of waiting for others to figure it out. I want to go back in time and change things. While I can find positives with life at the moment, the negatives are winning. I am tired of holding back to preserve other people's feelings. I am done.

Don't get me wrong, good things are happening in my life. But all the things that are wrong are so much in my face that I can't focus on the things that are going right. I am frustrated with how many friends are quietly choosing not to side with me, as I transition to this new life. This whole process of changing what you chose in life is lonely business and not for the weak. And I know I am strong, but I still wish that it wasn't so hard.

So I want to run away. I want a do over. I love the boys, but the ties they create complicate every decision that I make. I don't like how I feel like no matter what I do I am disappointing someone. It reinforces every low self esteem moment I have ever had. How can I escape the haunting feelings that will forever screw up the boys? I am tired of the roller coaster of emotion.

I just want to runaway from it all.

The Era of Change

So my long alluded to changes have begun to happen. Life will be looking a lot different as I grow accustomed to them.

So for quite a few years now, I have been growing more and more unhappy. And last summer it reached the point where it could no longer be ignored. All you have to do is watch the migraine pattern, and most of that was me on preventative medication. I shudder to think of their frequency without the preventative efforts.

I have a gift for ignoring things that I don't like. I bottle them up and shove them in a closet. Not even admitting them to myself. It is a great coping mechanism for the little things in life, but for those bigger problems, not so much.

Today, Ducky and I separated. I have been waiting months for this to happen. There is a sense of relief, as expected, as I slowly come to realize that I am no longer waiting. We told the boys and, for the moment at least, they could care less. They were laughing and joking the entire time we told them and then scampered off to play. That will most likely change as the weeks go by and it starts to sink in what this means.

Only time will tell what happens next, but I feel like the changes are just starting.