Monday, December 27, 2010

Is 2010 Over Yet?

I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Not that there is a guarantee that 2011 will be better. But I can hope, although hope is a dangerous thing. It leads to disappointment repeatedly.

But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.

For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.

So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.