Beyond My Control

I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to see what is coming and have a plan for everything. I like it when my life is neat and orderly.

My life is not neat and orderly anymore. I am still only partially employed and that scares me to death. All I can do is apply for jobs that fit and wait for someone to decide that I am the best fit. And that is out of my control. I can do my best to convince them, but the decision is not mine to make.

I am learning to trust people again. I have learned over the years that the only person that I can really rely on is myself. It is a sad and cynical view on life, but too many times I have been disappointed by people. And lately, that is more true than ever. Family, friends, acquaintances, partners. There are members of my own family that have reached out to Ducky and have not so much as said one word to me. Every single friend that decided to choose sides has chosen his side. There are people who have inadvertently said hurtful things.

It seems like almost everything is beyond my control. So I am doing the only thing I can. I am working on how I react to all of these things. Sometimes it seems that I am failing miserably. But what can I do, but keep working on the only things that I can control. Me. How I feel. Whether I go into over-analyze mode. Whether I let others upset me.

Even with all the upheaval, things are looking like they will be okay in the end. But the waiting for all the kinks to work out is driving me nuts.