I want to run away. I want to start over some place else. I want to be selfish and only think of myself for a change. I want to go back in time and change decisions that I made. I don't like how things are. I don't like how I feel like I need to make everyone happy. I am tired of absorbing everyone else's pain. I am tired of waiting for others to figure it out. I want to go back in time and change things. While I can find positives with life at the moment, the negatives are winning. I am tired of holding back to preserve other people's feelings. I am done.
Don't get me wrong, good things are happening in my life. But all the things that are wrong are so much in my face that I can't focus on the things that are going right. I am frustrated with how many friends are quietly choosing not to side with me, as I transition to this new life. This whole process of changing what you chose in life is lonely business and not for the weak. And I know I am strong, but I still wish that it wasn't so hard.
So I want to run away. I want a do over. I love the boys, but the ties they create complicate every decision that I make. I don't like how I feel like no matter what I do I am disappointing someone. It reinforces every low self esteem moment I have ever had. How can I escape the haunting feelings that will forever screw up the boys? I am tired of the roller coaster of emotion.
I just want to runaway from it all.
The chronic misadventures of parenting, teaching, friendship and life. Take the plan and throw it out the window, because life isn't following it anyway!
Headache Tally
- March - 1 migraine (3 days)
- February - 3 migraine days
- January - 6 migraine days
- December - 7 migraine days
- November - 5 migraine days
- October - 9 migraine days
- September - 9 migraine days
- August - 13 migraine days
- July - 9 migraine days
- June - 4 migraines
- May - 3 migraines
- April - 7 migraines
- March - 7 migraines
- February - 3 migraines
- January - 4 migraines
- December - 10 migraines
Current Books
- A Brain Wider than the Sky by Andrew Levy
- The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson
- A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
- Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See
- Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem by Marilyn Sorenson
6 comments:
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Please let me know what I can do. I would love to go for a run with you sometime, or join in a girls trip again. :-) I am thinking of you and praying for you during this tough transition.
Okay, we are definitely getting together soon!!
When is your next weekend without the boys? I INSIST that you take my beach condo and invite some girlfriends and have a weekend away! (And you don't even have to invite me ... just whomever you feel would be the best for you!) I'm going to keep bugging you until you take me up on this, so just start planning it and let me know what weekend you want!
I agree with Ranell. You should make sure that Ducky has plenty of time with the boys because you need time for yourself to grieve and think and move on.
I always hated that thing about who gets the friends in the divorce. My sisters are currently fighting (and calling my cell incessantly) over being nice to a former brother in law.
You should just resolve to do what is best for you and the boys first and foremost. Keep you happy and healthy and it will make everything else so much better. Good luck.
I've had times when I just wanted to run away and go find a different place where nobody knew me or anything about me and I wasn't saddled with so many complicated responsibilities in my life. That doesn't make you a bad person or irresponsible-- it just means you have a heavy load right now and you are tired.
I'm sure you are doing your utmost to do whatever you can for the boys, but you have to remember that you DO need to take care of yourself. Not just for you, but for them. It's not being selfish. It's being practical. I had a therapist once who said (I'm sure you've heard this analogy) that when you are on an airplane and there is a problem with oxygen, whose oxygen mask do you put on first: yours or your child's? The answer is yours. Not because you are selfish, but because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, you aren't exactly going to be helpful to your child.
Be gentle with yourself: you are a person with needs too and if you take time to meet some of those needs you'll be a better, happier mom for your boys.
(Sorry, didn't mean to spiel...)
My older two kids were two and four when I divorced their father. They are now nineteen and sixteen. They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids who enjoy good relationships with both their father and with me. Your boys will be ok. Trust me. Do not feel guilty about what you're doing. In the long run, there is no doubt it will be the best for everyone. The boys will be happiest and healthiest if their parents are happy and healthy. Remember that as you go forward. I know I am a long ways away, Ped, but I am here for you if there is anything at all I can do to help you. Take care of yourself.
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