I have been fighting a funk about Mother's Day for the last week. On top of all the other fun stuff that has been swirling through my house.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom (98% of the time). I wouldn't change that. I love that Ducky helps the boys remember to appreciate me. From that angle Mother's Day is wonderful.
However, being a human means that I have a mother. I do not have a mom. What do you do about Mother's Day when you are at odds with your mother? There was never a specific event that caused a rift. There is a list of wrongs that have never been righted. It isn't even the things that are said or done. It is the things that aren't said or done. It is the level of disinterest. It is the feeling of invisibility and nothingness.
I have spent my entire life until just a few years ago vying for the approval of one person. In vain. I have realized that I will never be good enough, interesting enough, productive enough to warrant her approval or attention. I just don't matter to her. And it bugs me. I can never make her be proud of me. I can never make her want to know me. That is up to her. And I have realized (finally) that it is never going to happen.
I have always heard the stories about how much she wanted a daughter. But I was not the daughter that she wanted. She wanted one just like her. A tomboy horse fanatic. I am not that person. Nor do I want to be. I'm allergic to hay and horses, spending lots of time with them just doesn't seem like a good idea.
All in all, I would like to think that I am a pretty decent human being. I would like to think that I am the kind of daughter that a mother hopes for. I don't cause people to worry in excess about me. I make good choices. I am working to create two kind, thoughtful boys to add to the world. I am self sufficient. I am happily married and gainfully employed. I have been told that I am interesting and at times humorous. What's not to love?
But I cannot remember a time, ever, that I was told that she was proud of me or that she loved me. I cannot remember the last time she called to see how I was. I cannot remember the last time she showed any interest in me, my life or my boys. And that hurts. It would be nice to matter. And no matter how much I try to move past it and let it go, I can't. A child is supposed to be important to a parent. Even when the child has grown up. On the rare occasion that I attempt to relate any of this to her, I get a "I'm sorry you feel that way." End of story.
So, on the occasion of Mother's Day, I am left with a reminder that I am not good enough for my own mother. Even as I work to be a great mom to my boys. Mother's day is bittersweet.
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6 comments:
You obviously did not inherit your wonderful mothering skills from your own mother.
This is not a problem with you at all, Ped. It is a problem with her and it probably lies somewhere in her own past or psyche.
I am sorry for you, I know it has to be painful. But it is a wonderful thing that you became a loving mother in spite of her.
Oh Ped....would that we were closer! I find it bittersweet as well. I literally don't know what to say. In the past two years, and it has been a blessing, I have given up truly caring what she thinks. It has been really liberating.
are you my sister?
i could have written most of this.
being a mother does not automatically make a woman a mom. they are who they are. it's lonely for their kids, but it's to be expected.
you, on the other hand, are definitely a great mom.
so be happy about that. your kids will never write a post like this.
My heart aches for you. I wasn't the daughter my mom had hoped for either (funny enough, I was the tomboy horse fanatic), but I know she loves me in her own way.
The fact that you're a great mom despite not having a good Mom Role Model says a lot about the sort of person you are.
My dad is the one I could never please and I know how painful it is. You need to realize that it truly is your mom's loss, and that it doesn't have anything to do with you, but comes from something inside her.
Now having said that, I know it still hurts. And I'm really sorry it does. Can you take comfort in knowing that your kids will NEVER say the same things about you?
Happy Belated Mother's Day.
Oh Ped... this is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. I have a similar relationship with my father, although recently we have started mending our ways. It's happening because I have given up on hoping for "the father I always wanted" and he has started to relax about the things he used to find so important in a daughter. We are thankfully meeting somewhere in the middle.
I can only hope the same for you one day, although your mom will need to look in the mirror for it to happen. Your boys are lucky indeed to have a mother who even thinks about these things. Lucky indeed.
Happy belated Mother's Day to you! Hugs.
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