Is 2010 Over Yet?

I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Not that there is a guarantee that 2011 will be better. But I can hope, although hope is a dangerous thing. It leads to disappointment repeatedly.

But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.

For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.

So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.

Merry Almost Christmas

My boys behavior has been atrocious this last week. They have not been living up to their "sweet" nicknames. Between spilling hot chocolate on my laptop, writing on the coffee table and just plain fighting, snarkiness and whining, I was beyond aggravated with them.

So I postponed Christmas. You heard me. I postponed Christmas, until they could act like the boys that I usually know and love. So Ducky had them Christmas Eve and brought them over this morning. Santa still came, we couldn't ask the poor man to make another trip today, and the yearlong record has been pretty good. But all the Mommy presents were going to wait a day. Because if you threaten to do it, you must follow through.

So it was a mellow day. They played with the stuff they brought from Ducky's house and the gifts from Santa. We had dinner and spent the afternoon at our good friends. The boys returned to their normal behavior. And the funny thing is they didn't really mind waiting another day. It just prolongs the fun. I made my point without it being excruciatingly painful for anyone. And for years to come, they will know that mom does what she says.

So tomorrow morning, we will open gifts and we will get to extend that Christmas feeling another day. We will have new toys to play with and games to try. We'll hang out together and maybe enjoy the start of a new tradition. Who knows?

So Much To Say

All these ideas are running through my head, but I can't seem to articulate any of them.

It is strange to be sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve. I've spent the whole day alone, except for a brief shopping excursion with sweetE, so he could shop for sweetP. I finally got a Christmas card from my parents, two weeks after everyone else, complete with a snarky note. If you don't have someone's address, but you do have their phone number, wouldn't you just call and ask for it? Seems to be the easiest solution. But the gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are ready, only the Christmas cards aren't done. And it took as long as ever.

I am ready for 2010 to be over. It has been a year of great upheaval and unhappiness, change and adjustment. While itt hasn't all been bad, I am ready to move on from all of it. A friend made a comment about how different I am now than I used to be. And I am, even if I still sometimes suffer from soggy pillow syndrome. I have high hopes for 2011. But right now, it just seems a little strange. Like I am still waiting.

Oh, My Velcro

To My Dearest Velcro,

Happy early Birthday. I don't know if you will make it to Christmas Eve. So just in case, here are many of the reasons I love you.

• Your little doggy eyes always light up when you see me.
• You have the most expressive face and ears.
• The zoom.
• You have been my most loyal friend for more than 13 years, more than most of my human friendships.
• Your nose juice is impossible to get off things!
• The hair right past your nose is one of the softest, most perfect places to touch.
• I was your person.
• You know how to say hi.
• That you would get stuck on the stairs trying to come upstairs to sleep by me.
• You always knew when I needed cheering up.
• You let the boys dress you up.
• You didn't complain when you got demoted.
• You were my first child and in some ways the most spoiled.
• I think you exploded hair on purpose.
• You are the only dog I know that fills and clogs a shop vac with your massive quantities of hair.
• How as a puppy you would roll from side to side in your doggy pool to cool off with a huge grin on your face.
• You made crunchy spots on the carpet when you got a new rawhide bone.
• Your nose drips and leaves little puddles.
• Your happy place is the beach.

Velcro, I'm not ready for you to go. But then again, I don't think I will ever be ready for you to go. I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left, but I thought you would be more comfortable in your house with your yard and a herd of boys to entertain you. But don't think I haven't missed your sweet self every day. My sweet, silly, wonderful, fuzzy, friend/dog/child. I will always love you.

My Ode to Velcro three years ago.

Um, Speechless

What does it say when it appears that your own parents have taken sides in your divorce? And the side they chose is not their child's? What does that say?!? They have not out and out said it, and frankly I don't want to ask, because right now I can't handle the answer.

My ex gets the email updates on what is going on in their life. I do not. He got a Christmas card from them. I did not. And we don't exchange gifts anymore, so I cannot expect one to arrive in a package. He was informed of my mother's surgery. I was not. He has received pictures of the boys from them. I have received nothing. When I do talk to them, no mention is made of how I am doing. If I say anything, the conversation ends, abruptly.

I find out what is going on in their lives from him. Even when I talked to my mother on the phone earlier that day! So, am I being paranoid, or does it seem like they chose him over me?

And frankly, with the frustrations of an unsuccessful job search, it is just a little more than I can take. I already have issues of not feeling like I am good enough, and they are fueling that fire like crazy. Let's see, failed as daughter. Check. Failed as wife. Check. Failing to find a full time job. Check. Feel like I am failing as a parent, since the boys are forever wanting to be at the other house. Check. (For the record, I try not to take that personally, but it is still salt in the wound.) It is really no wonder that I am feeling like a failure lately.

You would think that after all the years and ways that I have felt a failure, it wouldn't bother me so much anymore. But, I am forever the pleaser, so bother me it does.

I DARE You!

In 5th grade, student go through the DARE program, Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Our School Resource Officer, an honest to goodness police officer, comes and teaches it. Students get an opportunity to ask him questions. And this goes under the "kids say the darndest things" category.

Yesterday's questions.
Have you ever shot anyone?
• No
Have you ever had to use your mace?
• Yes
Have you ever used your whacker?
• Yes (said with a straight face, bless him)
Can we see your whacker?
• Yes (and he proceeds to remove his baton from his belt, also with a straight face, while any eye contact with my teaching partner is completely avoided)

Poor man left his whacker in our classroom.

ADHD Bumblebee

I was trying to go to sleep. Somehow I managed to get myself into bed at a reasonable hour, only to have my brain shift into overdrive. Thoughts are flying through my head in NASCAR style passing each other and changing seamlessly into a total stream of consciousness. Things I want to say to people, but know that I never will. I have the most eloquent conversations in my head, but somehow those particular conversations never go as rehearsed, even if the other person never says a word. I have been known to hold actual eloquent conversations, but never those that I have rehearsed. It is like I use up all the good stuff the first time around. Maybe I shouldn't rehearse anything. But, then again, the people I want to talk to are rarely around when I think of these things.

See how my brain works, it is still slipping around from thought to thought like an ADHD bumblebee going from flower to flower. I should probably do something productive, like write cover letters for jobs I need to apply for. But with how my brain is functioning, I'm not sure they would make sense. Although, the letters that make sense don't seem to be working, so maybe overdrive brain letters would be better. My fingers are having a hard time keeping up with the thoughts though. As I sit here writing, I am analyzing what I wrote in a way that I never have. Am I using complex sentences, transitions, conjunctions? I have to teach writing this year, and all I will say is that I really, really miss teaching science.

What does it mean when you look up and see the word he:ll on your phone? It is sitting on the other side of my laptop facing away from me. It was 11:34 or hell. And now it is apparently time to sell, since it just became 11:35.

I can't believe that this year is rapidly approaching an end. And what a lot has happened this year. I cannot say that I will be sad to see 2010 end. It has been a tough year, filled with change, upheaval, frustration. I keep waiting for everything to work itself out. So much is hinging on when the new job happens. I am ready for it, new challenges, the last big change. Then I think I will have all the change I can handle for a while. But I am so ready for this last change to happen. Now, I just have to figure out the magic formula that will get me a call back. What the magic buzzwords are to list, what game to play, what persona to wear. It's hard for a girl that believes in being straightforward and honest, who says it like it is. So I am just waiting for the company that thinks that those are good qualities to have in addition to a few other strengths that I possess.

Time to attempt the sleep thing again. Wish me luck.