Confidence

I have gotten to enjoy some serious quality (and quantity) time with me in the last several months. And even more in the last few weeks. I have been able to draw a few conclusions and make a few plans. All of which have brought me to the realization that my confidence in every area of my life had reached an all time low. However, all of that has changed.

Tonight, as I enjoyed a solid case of insomnia, I hopped on the Wii Fit to attempt to get tired. Didn't work, so I am blogging. While stepping away, I was suddenly aware that most of the time I am liking what I see reflecting back at me. My physical confidence has surged in a way that I would have never anticipated. I have worked hard to get here and seeing results rocks. I am still very much a work in progress, but I can definitely tell that I will get where I want to be. And that feels amazing. After so many years of not liking what I was seeing, but not being motivated to do anything about it, I am wishing I had found motivation earlier. I have found the exercise habit, who'da thunk it.

So thinking about physical confidence branched off to other kinds of confidence. I am setting a new course of action professionally and that is inspiring a new professional confidence to go try some new things. It also meant that I got up in front of the entire staff and acted like my authentic dorky self. (It's true, I am a goof ball.) And while I may have caught some eye rolling, I don't care. I was also reminded that teachers are the worst group to present to. We so rarely get to talk to each other that when we are together we have a tendency to talk to each other and ignore the presenter. Of course, we hate it when our students act this way. But overall professionally, things are looking amazing.

Last weekend I had a turning point. I came to some startling realizations. I needed to find my happy. And my happy depends on me. I need to surround myself with people that enhance that happy. I have been in the most amazing mood since determined a plan to make that happen. Even though there have been several challenging events over the past few days, they haven't phased me. I have found my emotional confidence.

I am not going to let these confidences go. I have worked too hard to find them and I am a better person because of it. And I feel awesome, inside and out.

Ups & Downs

So yesterday was clearly a down day. Somedays it is hard not to dwell on the parts of my life that are laying about my feet in a thousand pieces, clearly not meant to be put back together. Instead, from the rubble something new and better is meant to be built. It is an energizing thought, when it is not completely overwhelming.

I once saw a greeting card that stated, "Pick of the shattered pieces of your life and move on." I am there. And I have forever kicked myself for not buying it. The pickle here, is that I am not the only party involved. And as such, I cannot simply do what I want and what is best for me. I have picked up the shattered pieces and am ready to move on, but I am being held back by others hopes that what is so badly broken can be fixed.

I am motivated by two factors, what is best for me and what is best for the boys. So far the boys are adjusting well. We have tried to limit the changes to their lives. They consistently stay at the house, we move back and forth. They call the missing parent at bedtime every night and any other time they need to talk. We have tried to limit the difficulty for them, because none of this is their fault.

On the upside, my professional life is suddenly clicking in ways I wouldn't have considered even a few months ago. The funny part is that I would have never considered making a change if my personal life wasn't falling apart. As I evaluated what I would need in the coming years, going back full time became a must. Then, because if I was going to work full-time, a multitude of options became available. I needed to take some classes to up my income, so why not get a new license and open more doors. I am looking into becoming an administrator (aka principal). If I am going to be a strong, independent working mom, I might as well go as far as I can. So after speaking with my current principal, I am getting to try on a few administrative tasks. A new position is being discussed (one of those, you didn't hear this but conversations) and my name came up as a potential person to fill it. The puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place.

So there are ups and downs to my life, as there always are. Right now the spectrum is just wider than normal. I am confident that in the end, I will be okay. It will just be a rough ride while I get there.

Run Away

I want to run away. I want to start over some place else. I want to be selfish and only think of myself for a change. I want to go back in time and change decisions that I made. I don't like how things are. I don't like how I feel like I need to make everyone happy. I am tired of absorbing everyone else's pain. I am tired of waiting for others to figure it out. I want to go back in time and change things. While I can find positives with life at the moment, the negatives are winning. I am tired of holding back to preserve other people's feelings. I am done.

Don't get me wrong, good things are happening in my life. But all the things that are wrong are so much in my face that I can't focus on the things that are going right. I am frustrated with how many friends are quietly choosing not to side with me, as I transition to this new life. This whole process of changing what you chose in life is lonely business and not for the weak. And I know I am strong, but I still wish that it wasn't so hard.

So I want to run away. I want a do over. I love the boys, but the ties they create complicate every decision that I make. I don't like how I feel like no matter what I do I am disappointing someone. It reinforces every low self esteem moment I have ever had. How can I escape the haunting feelings that will forever screw up the boys? I am tired of the roller coaster of emotion.

I just want to runaway from it all.

The Era of Change

So my long alluded to changes have begun to happen. Life will be looking a lot different as I grow accustomed to them.

So for quite a few years now, I have been growing more and more unhappy. And last summer it reached the point where it could no longer be ignored. All you have to do is watch the migraine pattern, and most of that was me on preventative medication. I shudder to think of their frequency without the preventative efforts.

I have a gift for ignoring things that I don't like. I bottle them up and shove them in a closet. Not even admitting them to myself. It is a great coping mechanism for the little things in life, but for those bigger problems, not so much.

Today, Ducky and I separated. I have been waiting months for this to happen. There is a sense of relief, as expected, as I slowly come to realize that I am no longer waiting. We told the boys and, for the moment at least, they could care less. They were laughing and joking the entire time we told them and then scampered off to play. That will most likely change as the weeks go by and it starts to sink in what this means.

Only time will tell what happens next, but I feel like the changes are just starting.