Oh, My Throbbing Head

It is two in the morning. I am awake. I went to bed at nine. I was laying in bed wondering if death was a viable option. I was also wondering what kinds of brain surgery I was willing to endure and with what long term effects to not have to endure any more headaches.

I have had four migraines in less than one week. I am not so much living as existing. When I am not having a migraine I am anticipating when the next one will hit. I am afraid to do too much and then trigger one. I am becoming afraid to live.

The worst part is that I have been being good. I have been going to bed on time. I have been getting my 8+ hours of sleep. I have been valiantly drinking my water. We all know that I hate drinking water. I have been doing my best to not stress or get grouchy.

I finally had a drug that had them under control. I only had one mild side effect that I could totally live with. Except there was also one major side effect that would have been detrimental to my long term well being. So I am no longer taking the drug. And now, I am spending half my life with a headache and the other half waiting for one.

I go in to see the neurologist again in three weeks. I really wonder how I will make it that long. I wonder how many options are left to explore. I have tried so many different drugs to prevent them. None had worked well or they had side effects that were problematic. There was the drug that if I sat down in the afternoon, I could not stay awake. There was the drug that gave me daily headaches. Then there were the ones that just didn't work.

All I know is that if this continues I will require a padded room because I will lose my mind.

Because I Can

After hearing many of my friends talk about how stubborn their young children are and about how they just want to be independent I came to a bit of a conclusion.

I am very much in touch with my inner two year old.

I am fiercely independent. I hate to ask for help. I prefer to just do it myself, thank you very much. Tonight, I tried to break my toe rather than let Ducky move the chair part of our sectional while I was vacuuming. Because I could do it myself. It got caught on the rug and then skinned up my toe and made me almost curse out loud (there was a lot of cursing in my head). In the end, I let him move it back into place, but I wasn't happy about it. It's not that I don't want the help, it's just that I know I can do these things without help. I know it drives Ducky crazy, just the way that it drives my friends crazy that their kids don't want help. They want to be independent.

In my family growing up, you didn't ask for help. You just did it. You got the job done. You figured out a way to do it. And that mentality has stuck. It takes a lot for me to ask anyone for help.

Then there is that nasty little stubborn streak in me. It could have something to do with that whole independent thing. But once I make up my mind, then why go to all the trouble to make it up again. I thought about it, I did all the work, I'm done. It's not that my mind can't ever be changed, but there has to be a pretty convincing argument.

So my inner two year old is doing quite well. She is butting heads with my children, challenging my husband and keeping everyone on their toes.

Book Recommendation!! The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart
It is a Young Readers Choice Nominee for 2009-2010 for the 4th-6th grade division. I just read it over the weekend and it is a great read filled with action, suspense, puzzles and mystery. It was a fun book for kids or adults.

The Lazy Days of Summer

I am searching for the lazy days of summer. It sounds so delightful. It is 80 degrees, so warm, but comfortably so. Sitting about on my swing on the deck, a glass of lemonade sitting on the table with ice cubes tinkling lightly while little beads of water form on the glass. A tantalizing book in my hands as the boys play in the yard running and having a grand time. They are not yelling or being excessively loud, but are obviously having fun and letting me enjoy spending my summer days with them.

Thus far it's a myth. Instead, we have been errand central. We have been on the go and on the move every day. This is very unlike me. Today sweetP said, "Mommy, when can we just stay home for a day?" as we headed out on the second errand trip for the day. But I had to go to the pharmacy so I could lower the dosage on my medication. It had to be done today. The wonder medicine that was keeping the migraines at bay, was making the kidneys not work properly. Properly functioning kidneys are important. So back to the drawing board for the headaches and off we went.

As for summer. There are projects galore, park days and play dates. Free movies and concerts, camp and camping. Trips to the grandparents houses and off to the beach. There isn't a dull moment in there anywhere. There are errands to run and games to play.

I think I will have to schedule a dull moment or two. Otherwise I'll arrive back at school more tired than when I left.

Sometimes

Life just stinks.

Just Another Bag of Lemons

Life is handing me one lemon after another these days. I have a whole bag of them just sitting here. I'd make lemonade, except that I gave up citrus since it gives me migraines. So what is a girl to do?

I'll give you some examples of some of the lemons.

I went to the dentist to get me teeth cleaned and checked. I go twice a year, just like you are supposed to. I have been brushing twice a day and working hard to prevent any new cavities and doing a great job. I have even been remembering to floss frequently enough that I haven't been given any lectures. But... wouldn't you know that one of the old, big fillings is broken and I need another crown. My second in a year and I have already maxed my dental allotment for the year. Total Lemon.

The last seven weeks of work I had to do double duty because my teaching partner was on family leave. I am thrilled for her, but the substitute she ended up with (after many unsuccessful attempts at others) ended up being a bit of a dud. She was a very nice lady, but completely wrong for a long term job. So I had to do my job and half of hers. Consequently, I didn't get all of my work done that I had planned on and managed to run myself ragged in the process. Lemon.

The lack of sleep from the end of school caused me to get a cold on top of my allergies and I am still trying to recover. It has been a week since I got done working and I am still waking up feeling exhausted. The boys have even been letting me sleep until eight in the morning, meaning that I have been getting 9 or 10 hours of sleep a night and I'm still totally exhausted more than a week later. Throw another lemon in my bag. This morning was a little bit better, so at least there might be hope. Although it is nearly midnight as I write this, so maybe not.

Then there is the van. I never wanted a mini van. I was talked into the mini van. I have always said that all vans are evil, even the mini ones. And I have been proven correct. Our van is cursed. It has been hit by a bus while parked. We weren't lucky enough to have it totaled by the bus. It has been rear-ended by a person lacking insurance. It got a crack in its windshield for no reason at all. It got a clean bill of health one week only to have the transmission go out one week later on the day we were planning to put it up for sale! I hate the van. We then find out the transmissions on these vans were recalled and that the transmission had already been replaced once. So the transmission is only 5 years old and needs to be fixed. Spell it out with me. L. E. M. O. N. I hate the van. Which now means that there is no way that we can sell the van for what we owe on it. And there is no way that I am paying to fix a car that neither one of us even likes. Throw a couple of lemons in my bag, because this one is a doozy.

Oh, the migraines. Let's talk about the migraines. The chiropractor is not working. I seem to get more of them when I see her than when I don't. I am going to experiment with being really busy this summer and not see her for a few weeks and see what happens. Is that bad? How do you say, "Your adjustment seem to cause headaches, not cure them." It just seems mean. Then there is the fact that the new medicine seems to be working. Great, right? Wait, lemon ahead. I have to go in and have more blood work done. There is a chance that it is making my kidneys not work. Bad. Functional kidneys are kind of important. So if the blood work comes back with the numbers too low, I have to go off the meds the make the headaches go away. Then we are back to trying something else that may or may not work. Hand over the lemon.

Then the last lemon because I need to go to bed. Someone I love is waiting on the results of a biopsy that could make the rest of my lemons very minor in comparison. So a whole bag of lemons all by itself.

So life, please send me something else for a while. I'm a little tired of lemons.

Too Busy

I will be too busy to post until the last grade is posted, the last file is filed and the last area is cleaned in my classroom. Until then, feel free to chat amongst yourselves I will be too busy to notice. :)

Speeding Ticket

If there was a police officer out there, my life would be getting pulled over any minute now. I am going to wake up tomorrow to the last day of school. And I will be crying out, "But wait, I haven't taught you X, Y or Z yet!" But we will be sending them off to middle school and it will be someone else's turn to teach and inspire and worry about them.

Even thought there are two weeks left before that day, I feel like it is tomorrow. The number of special events and interruptions have cut the amount of time we have to wrap things up in half. On one hand I am so ready to be done, but on the other I just need more time.