ADHD Bumblebee

I was trying to go to sleep. Somehow I managed to get myself into bed at a reasonable hour, only to have my brain shift into overdrive. Thoughts are flying through my head in NASCAR style passing each other and changing seamlessly into a total stream of consciousness. Things I want to say to people, but know that I never will. I have the most eloquent conversations in my head, but somehow those particular conversations never go as rehearsed, even if the other person never says a word. I have been known to hold actual eloquent conversations, but never those that I have rehearsed. It is like I use up all the good stuff the first time around. Maybe I shouldn't rehearse anything. But, then again, the people I want to talk to are rarely around when I think of these things.

See how my brain works, it is still slipping around from thought to thought like an ADHD bumblebee going from flower to flower. I should probably do something productive, like write cover letters for jobs I need to apply for. But with how my brain is functioning, I'm not sure they would make sense. Although, the letters that make sense don't seem to be working, so maybe overdrive brain letters would be better. My fingers are having a hard time keeping up with the thoughts though. As I sit here writing, I am analyzing what I wrote in a way that I never have. Am I using complex sentences, transitions, conjunctions? I have to teach writing this year, and all I will say is that I really, really miss teaching science.

What does it mean when you look up and see the word he:ll on your phone? It is sitting on the other side of my laptop facing away from me. It was 11:34 or hell. And now it is apparently time to sell, since it just became 11:35.

I can't believe that this year is rapidly approaching an end. And what a lot has happened this year. I cannot say that I will be sad to see 2010 end. It has been a tough year, filled with change, upheaval, frustration. I keep waiting for everything to work itself out. So much is hinging on when the new job happens. I am ready for it, new challenges, the last big change. Then I think I will have all the change I can handle for a while. But I am so ready for this last change to happen. Now, I just have to figure out the magic formula that will get me a call back. What the magic buzzwords are to list, what game to play, what persona to wear. It's hard for a girl that believes in being straightforward and honest, who says it like it is. So I am just waiting for the company that thinks that those are good qualities to have in addition to a few other strengths that I possess.

Time to attempt the sleep thing again. Wish me luck.

Twists and Turns

Life has a funny way of doing it's own thing. Regardless of what I think should happen, life is going to do exactly what it wants. I will admit to being just a little bit of a control freak. Ok, maybe more than a little. I like things done the way that I want them to be done. There is my way and the wrong way.

Long ago I planned out my life. I made some modifications along the way. The one day my plan flew out the window and life took over. My happily ever after stopped being happy. My carefully crafted life fell to pieces with one swift move. My backup plan failed. Things stopped happening how I thought. Over and over again.

But, along the way some new things started to happen. I rediscovered who I am. I realized I am a work in progress, that I will continue to grow and change. Happiness has made a reappearance. There are still kinks to be worked out, wrinkles that need to be ironed.

Life is taking its own sweet time in putting the details of my life together. I am learning new levels of frustration in the job search. It will work out, but soon would be nice.

The surprises and changes to what I believed to be true will continue. I will continue to learn and adapt along the way. One day it will all be ok again. Everything will work out. I will be better and stronger. For now at least, it is nice to be happy again.

My Luck

The school year is starting on Wednesday for my students. I was supposed to be full time long before now. But there are 80 less teachers in my district this year than last. So it is no wonder that I am still only partially employed. I have had six interviews with six identical results. I am not a big fan of the phrase, "we have decided to go with a different candidate." It is not that I didn't do a good job. The latest principal couldn't think of a single thing that I should do differently. Fate and luck have just not been on my side.

So now it may be time to leave education. But how do I parlay my experiences as a teacher into the private sector? How do I persuade people who believe the old adage, "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach." It is a tough year to be in need of a job. My computer science skills are rusty at best. I find jobs that I know I would be great at, but convincing them will be an uphill battle.

I have the feeling that I will be hearing a lot more of my least favorite phrase.

Another Day

I will just start by saying that I know I have many things to be thankful for. I have two healthy boys that adore me. Even if I hear way too often how they want to go to "Dad's house." I don't take it personally. I do not suffer from any life threatening conditions, although occasionally I have legitimate reasons (as in kidney stones and killer migraines) to think that death might be preferable. And I am living through a divorce that is about as good as a divorce can get. I want what is best for him and he wants what is best for me. In the end, we both want the other person to be happy.

But it is hard to focus on the positive. When all of the negatives are at the forefront! The new school year is rapidly approaching and I am still only partially employed, but enjoy full time bills. I keep hearing "no," even for a full time version of the job I already have. In my head I know that there are legitimate reasons for them to choose other people, but it still hits square in the gut that I couldn't even get that. I am intelligent and good at what I do. And I can't seem to get a job doing what I do well. So what am I going to do now?

I have good days and bad days. Days where I know it will all work out and days where it seems like nothing I do will make a difference. The only thing I feel like I have control over is working out. So I am working out a lot. Trying to shrink the upholstery that I have added over the years. I see progress, but not as fast as I would like.

And I am so tired of being strong. Of not letting the world see all the cracks that I am feeling. All the ways I feel vulnerable. How I would like to cry myself to sleep some night, except I can't even let myself do that. If I do, I wake up to a killer headache. I am being strong for myself. I am at the point that I know I will crack soon. Who will the lucky recipient be of my complete and total meltdown? The person who will get to sweep up the pieces that I have been working so hard to hold together. Other people have family to help hold them together when their world falls apart. I have me. Only me.

My own father told me that "You can do what you want, but don't 'mess up" your kids." No support there. This was after a half hour of listening to how my brother was a saint, and how good Ducky looked. Nothing was said about me, except to do what I wanted as long as I don't screw up my kids. No "this must be hard, or how are you doing, or you are looking good," just don't let it affect the kids. Thanks for caring. It is really hard to feel completely alone in the world. I have some great friends, but they have their own lives and families and can't support you the way family is supposed to. But what should I expect, they have always expected me to to support myself in every way.

But just once it would be nice to feel like I mattered to the people that share my genetics. Except my dear sis who I know will read this, know that you are forever in a special place in my heart as I know I am in yours.

My Funky Monkey Feet

Check out my new monkey feet. I am training for a walking relay and my new running shoes, the ones that are the exact same as the old running shoes except different colors, were killing my poor little feet. I finished a five and half mile walk and had a blister the size of a dime on the side of my heel. Not even in a normal blistering spot. And my feet hurt. And I had already run about 50 miles in them, so it wasn't that they weren't broken in.

So I started doing a little research. And I found these shoes. It is like being barefoot, but with protection!!! What could be better than that? So I splurged and got a pair. I mean come on, you only have one pair of feet and they have to last you a lifetime. That is true about teeth too, but apparently they didn't get the memo. But I digress, more on the teeth later.

Everything I read said to break them in slowly, that you get sore in a whole new way. So I started with one mile. One little blister and a sore toe, no sore muscles. And no sore feet. Hmmmm. So two weeks later, blister is gone, big toes still get a little sore on the bottom, but I think they will toughen up. The calf muscles were a little sore as I upped the distance, but nothing major. But most importantly, my feet don't hurt when I get home. And this is after walking or running a few miles on pavement. Oh, happy feet.

But boy, they do look a little silly. SweetP has already claimed them when his feet get bigger. The boys have seen a lot of them since almost every night I make them go for a walk or run with me for a mile or two. The boys ride their scooters and off we go.


They look even more like monkey feet on the bottom.

So about those teeth. I somehow managed to chip a hole in the side of one of my bottom molars this morning. I think there might already be a filling there and part of that chipped off. But it is really bizarre that it is on the side and kind of like it was drilled a little. Dentist appointment on Friday. Ugh, I am out of insurance money.

Summer Adjustment

Every year school gets out and I look forward to summer and relaxing and recharging. And every year those first few weeks of summer are a challenge. I forget until I am a few weeks into it that this happens every year.

The month leading up to summer vacation is a whirlwind of finishing projects and looking forward to the idea of summer. And then it arrives and the reality doesn't match the expectation. It takes a while to find the rhythm of summer. The boys and I have to find our groove together. The sudden end to routines. We have to get used to being around each other all day, everyday. It takes some time to work out the kinks.

This year, I don't know if it will follow the usual pattern. I don't know if we will find our rhythm. It is just one more change in my "Year of Change." But I am hopeful that the boys and I will work it out. No matter what, I still love summer.

Beyond My Control

I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to see what is coming and have a plan for everything. I like it when my life is neat and orderly.

My life is not neat and orderly anymore. I am still only partially employed and that scares me to death. All I can do is apply for jobs that fit and wait for someone to decide that I am the best fit. And that is out of my control. I can do my best to convince them, but the decision is not mine to make.

I am learning to trust people again. I have learned over the years that the only person that I can really rely on is myself. It is a sad and cynical view on life, but too many times I have been disappointed by people. And lately, that is more true than ever. Family, friends, acquaintances, partners. There are members of my own family that have reached out to Ducky and have not so much as said one word to me. Every single friend that decided to choose sides has chosen his side. There are people who have inadvertently said hurtful things.

It seems like almost everything is beyond my control. So I am doing the only thing I can. I am working on how I react to all of these things. Sometimes it seems that I am failing miserably. But what can I do, but keep working on the only things that I can control. Me. How I feel. Whether I go into over-analyze mode. Whether I let others upset me.

Even with all the upheaval, things are looking like they will be okay in the end. But the waiting for all the kinks to work out is driving me nuts.