Oh, My Throbbing Head

It is two in the morning. I am awake. I went to bed at nine. I was laying in bed wondering if death was a viable option. I was also wondering what kinds of brain surgery I was willing to endure and with what long term effects to not have to endure any more headaches.

I have had four migraines in less than one week. I am not so much living as existing. When I am not having a migraine I am anticipating when the next one will hit. I am afraid to do too much and then trigger one. I am becoming afraid to live.

The worst part is that I have been being good. I have been going to bed on time. I have been getting my 8+ hours of sleep. I have been valiantly drinking my water. We all know that I hate drinking water. I have been doing my best to not stress or get grouchy.

I finally had a drug that had them under control. I only had one mild side effect that I could totally live with. Except there was also one major side effect that would have been detrimental to my long term well being. So I am no longer taking the drug. And now, I am spending half my life with a headache and the other half waiting for one.

I go in to see the neurologist again in three weeks. I really wonder how I will make it that long. I wonder how many options are left to explore. I have tried so many different drugs to prevent them. None had worked well or they had side effects that were problematic. There was the drug that if I sat down in the afternoon, I could not stay awake. There was the drug that gave me daily headaches. Then there were the ones that just didn't work.

All I know is that if this continues I will require a padded room because I will lose my mind.

Because I Can

After hearing many of my friends talk about how stubborn their young children are and about how they just want to be independent I came to a bit of a conclusion.

I am very much in touch with my inner two year old.

I am fiercely independent. I hate to ask for help. I prefer to just do it myself, thank you very much. Tonight, I tried to break my toe rather than let Ducky move the chair part of our sectional while I was vacuuming. Because I could do it myself. It got caught on the rug and then skinned up my toe and made me almost curse out loud (there was a lot of cursing in my head). In the end, I let him move it back into place, but I wasn't happy about it. It's not that I don't want the help, it's just that I know I can do these things without help. I know it drives Ducky crazy, just the way that it drives my friends crazy that their kids don't want help. They want to be independent.

In my family growing up, you didn't ask for help. You just did it. You got the job done. You figured out a way to do it. And that mentality has stuck. It takes a lot for me to ask anyone for help.

Then there is that nasty little stubborn streak in me. It could have something to do with that whole independent thing. But once I make up my mind, then why go to all the trouble to make it up again. I thought about it, I did all the work, I'm done. It's not that my mind can't ever be changed, but there has to be a pretty convincing argument.

So my inner two year old is doing quite well. She is butting heads with my children, challenging my husband and keeping everyone on their toes.

Book Recommendation!! The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart
It is a Young Readers Choice Nominee for 2009-2010 for the 4th-6th grade division. I just read it over the weekend and it is a great read filled with action, suspense, puzzles and mystery. It was a fun book for kids or adults.

The Lazy Days of Summer

I am searching for the lazy days of summer. It sounds so delightful. It is 80 degrees, so warm, but comfortably so. Sitting about on my swing on the deck, a glass of lemonade sitting on the table with ice cubes tinkling lightly while little beads of water form on the glass. A tantalizing book in my hands as the boys play in the yard running and having a grand time. They are not yelling or being excessively loud, but are obviously having fun and letting me enjoy spending my summer days with them.

Thus far it's a myth. Instead, we have been errand central. We have been on the go and on the move every day. This is very unlike me. Today sweetP said, "Mommy, when can we just stay home for a day?" as we headed out on the second errand trip for the day. But I had to go to the pharmacy so I could lower the dosage on my medication. It had to be done today. The wonder medicine that was keeping the migraines at bay, was making the kidneys not work properly. Properly functioning kidneys are important. So back to the drawing board for the headaches and off we went.

As for summer. There are projects galore, park days and play dates. Free movies and concerts, camp and camping. Trips to the grandparents houses and off to the beach. There isn't a dull moment in there anywhere. There are errands to run and games to play.

I think I will have to schedule a dull moment or two. Otherwise I'll arrive back at school more tired than when I left.

Sometimes

Life just stinks.