Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Another Day

I will just start by saying that I know I have many things to be thankful for. I have two healthy boys that adore me. Even if I hear way too often how they want to go to "Dad's house." I don't take it personally. I do not suffer from any life threatening conditions, although occasionally I have legitimate reasons (as in kidney stones and killer migraines) to think that death might be preferable. And I am living through a divorce that is about as good as a divorce can get. I want what is best for him and he wants what is best for me. In the end, we both want the other person to be happy.

But it is hard to focus on the positive. When all of the negatives are at the forefront! The new school year is rapidly approaching and I am still only partially employed, but enjoy full time bills. I keep hearing "no," even for a full time version of the job I already have. In my head I know that there are legitimate reasons for them to choose other people, but it still hits square in the gut that I couldn't even get that. I am intelligent and good at what I do. And I can't seem to get a job doing what I do well. So what am I going to do now?

I have good days and bad days. Days where I know it will all work out and days where it seems like nothing I do will make a difference. The only thing I feel like I have control over is working out. So I am working out a lot. Trying to shrink the upholstery that I have added over the years. I see progress, but not as fast as I would like.

And I am so tired of being strong. Of not letting the world see all the cracks that I am feeling. All the ways I feel vulnerable. How I would like to cry myself to sleep some night, except I can't even let myself do that. If I do, I wake up to a killer headache. I am being strong for myself. I am at the point that I know I will crack soon. Who will the lucky recipient be of my complete and total meltdown? The person who will get to sweep up the pieces that I have been working so hard to hold together. Other people have family to help hold them together when their world falls apart. I have me. Only me.

My own father told me that "You can do what you want, but don't 'mess up" your kids." No support there. This was after a half hour of listening to how my brother was a saint, and how good Ducky looked. Nothing was said about me, except to do what I wanted as long as I don't screw up my kids. No "this must be hard, or how are you doing, or you are looking good," just don't let it affect the kids. Thanks for caring. It is really hard to feel completely alone in the world. I have some great friends, but they have their own lives and families and can't support you the way family is supposed to. But what should I expect, they have always expected me to to support myself in every way.

But just once it would be nice to feel like I mattered to the people that share my genetics. Except my dear sis who I know will read this, know that you are forever in a special place in my heart as I know I am in yours.