Perfection is Exhausting

I have always known that I am a perfectionist. In recent years, I have been able to narrow it down to selective perfectionism. I believe that if you are going to do something, do it well. I have little patience for doing things half way. So my expectations for myself have always been high. It is one thing when you have these expectations for yourself, another entirely when everyone else expects perfection from you as well.

In the preceeding months, I have been greeted with some version of "But you are the perfect _________ (friend, wife, mother, sibling, etc.)" from a significant number of friends and family members. It is like walking a tightrope with no safety net. One misstep and suddenly you fall from grace, with an audible splat. The stress from trying to live up to the expectations of so many has taken its toll. 74 migraines and counting, the year isn't over yet. I have been sick more this last year than ever. I sleep poorly.

So my motto for the coming year is just to be "good enough." It will be hard for this perfectionist to let it just be good enough. I hope to once again find health and happiness. And to the next person that even implies that I am or should be perfect, look out, you will receive an earful.

It Snuck Up On Me

Once upon a time, I would proclaim, loudly, that I only ran when chased. All of my running friends will laugh, because I always said that I just didn't understand the whole "need to run" thing.

And now, I must say, I am a runner. Okay, I said it. Laugh. Only because of how resolute I was that I could never become a runner. I still don't get the whole runner's high, but I'm sure with time that too shall come.

But on those days when I can't run, I am wishing that I could. On those nights when I am fitting in a quick run in the dark and cold, I wish I could be going farther. I never thought that I would ever be that person. I remember a picture from my childhood of me running in a kids race. I think it might be the only one I ever ran, that wasn't required by a PE class. But I was nearing the finish line and I had this big grin on my face and these long skinny legs with little yellow shorts running top speed. I am starting to feel that way now as I run. I don't feel like I have the agonized look that I so often notice on runners faces. The same one that I wore in the photo from my first race. That is not a picture I intend to purchase, even if it does memorialize my first race.

I guess life was chasing me, to get me started. And now, I have just grown accustomed to getting out there and moving. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger, faster, better. Then, there is the added bonus of looking leaner, firmer, skinnier. Even now, that it is dark and cold most days when I run, I am glad to be out there. Breathing fresh air and letting my mind wander.

Traffic Jam of the Brain

I keep thinking of things to write here, but then as soon as I sit down I can't get a single thing written. I don't know if all those thoughts are stuck in the doorway, elbowing each other to get out so much that none of them does, or they suddenly get shy the moment it is time to become a permanent record.

SweetE announced yesterday that he doesn't need to go to school because he already knows everything. He is about 10 years ahead of schedule on that one, so I may be in trouble. He does thank me on a regular basis for doing normal stuff like wash his favorite pants, so I think I'll keep him. That and he looks darn cute with bed head.

SweetP is doing science experiments in his backpack. Yesterday I got to start my day with a flattened, blackened, slimy banana that had been forgotten in his backpack for too long. I don't know why he refuses to use the trash cans at school, but all of his wrappers and stuff from lunch come right back home in his lunch box. But he still gets excited about the Christmas or winter stories that I read every night in December even if he tries to act like he isn't. I'll keep him too.

Those boys make me smile.

Just Keep Swimming...

Or in my case, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Unless I am on a hamster wheel, eventually I will get somewhere. Let it be someplace good.

Balancing Act

How do you reconcile when what you need and what you get are on opposite sides of the spectrum? How much can you adjust what you need to meet somewhere in the middle? Especially when dealing with someone else and their needs, which are opposite of yours. Needs are generally non-negotiable. If they were negotiable, they would be called wants.

I can see where I want to be, but I can't see how to get there. I know what I need, but not how to get it. I am stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place.

I have spent the greater part of today pondering what I am thankful for, isn't that what you were supposed to do today? And there are so many things that I am grateful for. But there is an underlying current of what is wrong that detracts from what is right.

So today I am glad that I have two boys in my life that have the ability to make me smile and laugh one minute and want to pull my hair out the next. I have a team that I work with that will help when I need it, offers a willing ear to listen to my troubles and be my friends. My class is fun to teach and they seem to enjoy having me teach them. I have a home that may not be my dream home, but gives me a safe place to come home to. Velcro, who may be getting on in years, but is the best dog around. And friends that are fun to spend time with and support me when I need it.

One Really Cute Good Thing

When everything in my life seems to be headed south, I can always count on my one really cute good thing to cheer me up. My sweetE is guaranteed to say or do something that makes me laugh and want to hug him and remind him how much I love him.

I took him to Costco tonight, the Ped pantry was running low on pretty much everything. He takes after his father and will talk non-stop. I can just sit and listen and throw in the occasional, "wow" and he entertains me for the entire trip. He can make the most profound statements to silly, goofball statements in the same breath. Unfortunately, I don't remember most of the things he says, even though I attempt to.

Tonight, he shared with me that a boy in his class chews on his shoes. Collective "EWWWWW!" He then proceeded to tell me all the reasons that was a bad idea, most of them having to do with poop. That moved on to why slugs are grosser than worms (the slime).

Later I was informed that I do not push the cart as fast as daddy (he has longer legs....hello). But we zipped around the aisles anyway, while he gave me fashion advice. He got excited about sliced cheese and complained that the chicken nuggets were Mickey shapes when he wanted dinosaurs. In the cooler he shared his "warm" when I complained of being cold.

We ended the night with him polishing off a ice cream bar (he did share, but he ate 95% by himself). The boy may frustrate me at times, but I can't help but love him. I would seriously keep him five forever if it was possible.

Germs

Our house has been invaded by germs. The only member of the house that has escaped them is Velcro. And he is rapidly heading into geriatric dogdom, so he has his own issues.

These germs are insidious. Just when you think you have got them beat, and you enjoy a couple days of health, boom they come back. The boys have fevers and sniffles, coughs and congestion, aches and pains and whiny-ness galore. But, at least at the moment, there is nothing major or scary about their illnesses. But I want them to be well and happy again. Poor kids.

And I have been logging major hours in bed. I went from being the only healthy one to one of the sick in just a matter of hours. I spent a marathon 13 hours in bed one night and 12 the next. But all that sleep has done its job and I think I will be just fine. I even went for a 2 mile run this morning. Let's hope those germs don't come back for a second act with me!