I think I am blogged out. I have things I want to write, but I don't want to put them out there. At least not now.
I'm done with so many things right now. Sometimes it is just too much. So I am going on autopilot until the room stops spinning. Every single aspect of my life feels like it is in limbo. Uncertainty piled on uncertainty.
So I'm done.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
That's Life I Guess
Oh my what a week! I am so very glad that it is over.
Last weekend had a few disappointments attached to it, but nothing major. Monday, however, was awful. It was the start of the last week of the grading period and as always I was behind on my grading. Then I got the message that Velcro was not doing well. He couldn't stand and he was crying during the night. The time had come to say good-bye to my fuzzy boy. We made the appointment for the vet to come to the house that afternoon. I didn't want his last moments to be fearful.
Sadly, his last moments were still fearful and painful. The vet couldn't seem to find the vein, it took multiple tries. And he cried. And I cried. In the end, the vet had moved him so he wasn't looking at his family, but at strangers, when he left us. But he was the best dog I could have asked for. I loved him and he loved me. I know he felt that even at the end.
We buried him in the backyard. SweetE shared Velcro's scrapbook with his class that week for show and tell. The boys seem to be coping well. My little sweetE chose to be with us when Velcro was put to sleep. He says that he misses him. But he has always had a soft spot for animals, especially dogs. Because he is my child, he threw a little levity into the situation by telling me my eyes were red. He followed with "that means you're evil." Dang my secret is out!
I ended the week by sweetE getting sick and spending way too much time finishing my grades. But sweetE felt better today and my grades got done. So no matter what happens, life goes on. And Velcro lives on too in our hearts and memories.
Last weekend had a few disappointments attached to it, but nothing major. Monday, however, was awful. It was the start of the last week of the grading period and as always I was behind on my grading. Then I got the message that Velcro was not doing well. He couldn't stand and he was crying during the night. The time had come to say good-bye to my fuzzy boy. We made the appointment for the vet to come to the house that afternoon. I didn't want his last moments to be fearful.
Sadly, his last moments were still fearful and painful. The vet couldn't seem to find the vein, it took multiple tries. And he cried. And I cried. In the end, the vet had moved him so he wasn't looking at his family, but at strangers, when he left us. But he was the best dog I could have asked for. I loved him and he loved me. I know he felt that even at the end.
We buried him in the backyard. SweetE shared Velcro's scrapbook with his class that week for show and tell. The boys seem to be coping well. My little sweetE chose to be with us when Velcro was put to sleep. He says that he misses him. But he has always had a soft spot for animals, especially dogs. Because he is my child, he threw a little levity into the situation by telling me my eyes were red. He followed with "that means you're evil." Dang my secret is out!
I ended the week by sweetE getting sick and spending way too much time finishing my grades. But sweetE felt better today and my grades got done. So no matter what happens, life goes on. And Velcro lives on too in our hearts and memories.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Little of This, Little of That
This weekend, my sweetE made my day, week, month, maybe my year. We were sitting on the couch and I was helping with some knitting. He is using a loom to knit some wrist warmers. I am making him a scarf with my new knitting skills and he wanted to have a project too. So cute! But he looked at me and said, "Mom, you are nice." I replied with a thank you. He then looked me in the eye and said, "I mean it, super nice." Awwwww, melt my heart. I love, love, love that boy.
Today I went to my uncle's funeral. He was one of my dad's many, many siblings. Really, one of 19 children!!!! That makes me one of 50 cousins, and I am the youngest. And I can really only say that I know one of them. But this uncle came to visit fairly regularly so I thought I should go be the family representative. It is a little strange to be in a room of people that you are related to and only know 3 people! But it was a nice service and a pleasant afternoon.
A while back I was talking to my sister, complaining about a conversation with my parents. And she stopped me at one point with the question, "What would make you happy?" I didn't have a concrete answer at that moment, I usually don't. I have to ruminate on things for a while before my subconscious decides to clue me in on what it is thinking. But I figured it out finally. My cousin asked me how things were and let me know that he knew that I had gotten divorced. And then he simply asked me how I was doing. And then having been through a divorce himself once, just let me know that he recognized that it is a hard thing to experience. And I realized that this is what I have been looking for from my family. I want them to genuinely want to know how I am doing and a little validation that this is not a walk in the park. No judgement, no advice, no opinions, just some concern and understanding.
It is hard to believe that it is nearly the end of January already. Time is really flying by. The job search has slowed down. Doesn't look like there are going to be any jobs in education. So, I am focusing on getting those programming skills rocking and looking into software engineering. Trying to fit that into my schedule is making me a little crazy. But I am enjoying puzzling out solutions to programming problems. Why didn't I like it when I was doing it before?!?
OK, those darn essays are not going to grade themselves. Believe me I have been waiting for it to happen!
Today I went to my uncle's funeral. He was one of my dad's many, many siblings. Really, one of 19 children!!!! That makes me one of 50 cousins, and I am the youngest. And I can really only say that I know one of them. But this uncle came to visit fairly regularly so I thought I should go be the family representative. It is a little strange to be in a room of people that you are related to and only know 3 people! But it was a nice service and a pleasant afternoon.
A while back I was talking to my sister, complaining about a conversation with my parents. And she stopped me at one point with the question, "What would make you happy?" I didn't have a concrete answer at that moment, I usually don't. I have to ruminate on things for a while before my subconscious decides to clue me in on what it is thinking. But I figured it out finally. My cousin asked me how things were and let me know that he knew that I had gotten divorced. And then he simply asked me how I was doing. And then having been through a divorce himself once, just let me know that he recognized that it is a hard thing to experience. And I realized that this is what I have been looking for from my family. I want them to genuinely want to know how I am doing and a little validation that this is not a walk in the park. No judgement, no advice, no opinions, just some concern and understanding.
It is hard to believe that it is nearly the end of January already. Time is really flying by. The job search has slowed down. Doesn't look like there are going to be any jobs in education. So, I am focusing on getting those programming skills rocking and looking into software engineering. Trying to fit that into my schedule is making me a little crazy. But I am enjoying puzzling out solutions to programming problems. Why didn't I like it when I was doing it before?!?
OK, those darn essays are not going to grade themselves. Believe me I have been waiting for it to happen!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Just a Little Pampering
My budget is stretched thin these days. I can't say that I am enjoying this situation. If something is going to be thin, I have a whole list to choose from. But I am making due and that is about all I can ask for.
Lately, I have noticed an increase in the number of natural, shockingly blond highlights. And that is entirely unacceptable! Especially since they are usually waving the white flag of surrender. I am NOT ready to surrender. So I spent the evening with my stylist. I feel better now. She worked her usual magic, we got caught up on life and set a date to do it again. My wallet is thinner, but my smile is bigger.
I was feeling tired this morning. SweetP has been sick, so my sleep has been interrupted. So, if you don't feel great, then look great. And dress the way you want to look when headed to your stylist so they can make your head match the rest of you!
Lately, I have noticed an increase in the number of natural, shockingly blond highlights. And that is entirely unacceptable! Especially since they are usually waving the white flag of surrender. I am NOT ready to surrender. So I spent the evening with my stylist. I feel better now. She worked her usual magic, we got caught up on life and set a date to do it again. My wallet is thinner, but my smile is bigger.
I was feeling tired this morning. SweetP has been sick, so my sleep has been interrupted. So, if you don't feel great, then look great. And dress the way you want to look when headed to your stylist so they can make your head match the rest of you!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Is 2010 Over Yet?
I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Not that there is a guarantee that 2011 will be better. But I can hope, although hope is a dangerous thing. It leads to disappointment repeatedly.
But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.
For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.
So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.
But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.
For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.
So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Almost Christmas
My boys behavior has been atrocious this last week. They have not been living up to their "sweet" nicknames. Between spilling hot chocolate on my laptop, writing on the coffee table and just plain fighting, snarkiness and whining, I was beyond aggravated with them.
So I postponed Christmas. You heard me. I postponed Christmas, until they could act like the boys that I usually know and love. So Ducky had them Christmas Eve and brought them over this morning. Santa still came, we couldn't ask the poor man to make another trip today, and the yearlong record has been pretty good. But all the Mommy presents were going to wait a day. Because if you threaten to do it, you must follow through.
So it was a mellow day. They played with the stuff they brought from Ducky's house and the gifts from Santa. We had dinner and spent the afternoon at our good friends. The boys returned to their normal behavior. And the funny thing is they didn't really mind waiting another day. It just prolongs the fun. I made my point without it being excruciatingly painful for anyone. And for years to come, they will know that mom does what she says.
So tomorrow morning, we will open gifts and we will get to extend that Christmas feeling another day. We will have new toys to play with and games to try. We'll hang out together and maybe enjoy the start of a new tradition. Who knows?
So I postponed Christmas. You heard me. I postponed Christmas, until they could act like the boys that I usually know and love. So Ducky had them Christmas Eve and brought them over this morning. Santa still came, we couldn't ask the poor man to make another trip today, and the yearlong record has been pretty good. But all the Mommy presents were going to wait a day. Because if you threaten to do it, you must follow through.
So it was a mellow day. They played with the stuff they brought from Ducky's house and the gifts from Santa. We had dinner and spent the afternoon at our good friends. The boys returned to their normal behavior. And the funny thing is they didn't really mind waiting another day. It just prolongs the fun. I made my point without it being excruciatingly painful for anyone. And for years to come, they will know that mom does what she says.
So tomorrow morning, we will open gifts and we will get to extend that Christmas feeling another day. We will have new toys to play with and games to try. We'll hang out together and maybe enjoy the start of a new tradition. Who knows?
Friday, December 24, 2010
So Much To Say
All these ideas are running through my head, but I can't seem to articulate any of them.
It is strange to be sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve. I've spent the whole day alone, except for a brief shopping excursion with sweetE, so he could shop for sweetP. I finally got a Christmas card from my parents, two weeks after everyone else, complete with a snarky note. If you don't have someone's address, but you do have their phone number, wouldn't you just call and ask for it? Seems to be the easiest solution. But the gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are ready, only the Christmas cards aren't done. And it took as long as ever.
I am ready for 2010 to be over. It has been a year of great upheaval and unhappiness, change and adjustment. While itt hasn't all been bad, I am ready to move on from all of it. A friend made a comment about how different I am now than I used to be. And I am, even if I still sometimes suffer from soggy pillow syndrome. I have high hopes for 2011. But right now, it just seems a little strange. Like I am still waiting.
It is strange to be sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve. I've spent the whole day alone, except for a brief shopping excursion with sweetE, so he could shop for sweetP. I finally got a Christmas card from my parents, two weeks after everyone else, complete with a snarky note. If you don't have someone's address, but you do have their phone number, wouldn't you just call and ask for it? Seems to be the easiest solution. But the gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are ready, only the Christmas cards aren't done. And it took as long as ever.
I am ready for 2010 to be over. It has been a year of great upheaval and unhappiness, change and adjustment. While itt hasn't all been bad, I am ready to move on from all of it. A friend made a comment about how different I am now than I used to be. And I am, even if I still sometimes suffer from soggy pillow syndrome. I have high hopes for 2011. But right now, it just seems a little strange. Like I am still waiting.
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