The Misadventures of Adulthood

I'm Done

2011-03-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

I think I am blogged out. I have things I want to write, but I don't want to put them out there. At least not now.

I'm done with so many things right now. Sometimes it is just too much. So I am going on autopilot until the room stops spinning. Every single aspect of my life feels like it is in limbo. Uncertainty piled on uncertainty.

So I'm done.

That's Life I Guess

2011-02-06T23:39:00.000-08:00

Oh my what a week! I am so very glad that it is over.

Last weekend had a few disappointments attached to it, but nothing major. Monday, however, was awful. It was the start of the last week of the grading period and as always I was behind on my grading. Then I got the message that Velcro was not doing well. He couldn't stand and he was crying during the night. The time had come to say good-bye to my fuzzy boy. We made the appointment for the vet to come to the house that afternoon. I didn't want his last moments to be fearful.

Sadly, his last moments were still fearful and painful. The vet couldn't seem to find the vein, it took multiple tries. And he cried. And I cried. In the end, the vet had moved him so he wasn't looking at his family, but at strangers, when he left us. But he was the best dog I could have asked for. I loved him and he loved me. I know he felt that even at the end.

We buried him in the backyard. SweetE shared Velcro's scrapbook with his class that week for show and tell. The boys seem to be coping well. My little sweetE chose to be with us when Velcro was put to sleep. He says that he misses him. But he has always had a soft spot for animals, especially dogs. Because he is my child, he threw a little levity into the situation by telling me my eyes were red. He followed with "that means you're evil." Dang my secret is out!

I ended the week by sweetE getting sick and spending way too much time finishing my grades. But sweetE felt better today and my grades got done. So no matter what happens, life goes on. And Velcro lives on too in our hearts and memories.

Little of This, Little of That

2011-01-26T17:24:00.000-08:00

This weekend, my sweetE made my day, week, month, maybe my year. We were sitting on the couch and I was helping with some knitting. He is using a loom to knit some wrist warmers. I am making him a scarf with my new knitting skills and he wanted to have a project too. So cute! But he looked at me and said, "Mom, you are nice." I replied with a thank you. He then looked me in the eye and said, "I mean it, super nice." Awwwww, melt my heart. I love, love, love that boy.

Today I went to my uncle's funeral. He was one of my dad's many, many siblings. Really, one of 19 children!!!! That makes me one of 50 cousins, and I am the youngest. And I can really only say that I know one of them. But this uncle came to visit fairly regularly so I thought I should go be the family representative. It is a little strange to be in a room of people that you are related to and only know 3 people! But it was a nice service and a pleasant afternoon.

A while back I was talking to my sister, complaining about a conversation with my parents. And she stopped me at one point with the question, "What would make you happy?" I didn't have a concrete answer at that moment, I usually don't. I have to ruminate on things for a while before my subconscious decides to clue me in on what it is thinking. But I figured it out finally. My cousin asked me how things were and let me know that he knew that I had gotten divorced. And then he simply asked me how I was doing. And then having been through a divorce himself once, just let me know that he recognized that it is a hard thing to experience. And I realized that this is what I have been looking for from my family. I want them to genuinely want to know how I am doing and a little validation that this is not a walk in the park. No judgement, no advice, no opinions, just some concern and understanding.

It is hard to believe that it is nearly the end of January already. Time is really flying by. The job search has slowed down. Doesn't look like there are going to be any jobs in education. So, I am focusing on getting those programming skills rocking and looking into software engineering. Trying to fit that into my schedule is making me a little crazy. But I am enjoying puzzling out solutions to programming problems. Why didn't I like it when I was doing it before?!?

OK, those darn essays are not going to grade themselves. Believe me I have been waiting for it to happen!

Just a Little Pampering

2011-01-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

My budget is stretched thin these days. I can't say that I am enjoying this situation. If something is going to be thin, I have a whole list to choose from. But I am making due and that is about all I can ask for.

Lately, I have noticed an increase in the number of natural, shockingly blond highlights. And that is entirely unacceptable! Especially since they are usually waving the white flag of surrender. I am NOT ready to surrender. So I spent the evening with my stylist. I feel better now. She worked her usual magic, we got caught up on life and set a date to do it again. My wallet is thinner, but my smile is bigger.

I was feeling tired this morning. SweetP has been sick, so my sleep has been interrupted. So, if you don't feel great, then look great. And dress the way you want to look when headed to your stylist so they can make your head match the rest of you!

Is 2010 Over Yet?

2010-12-27T22:52:00.000-08:00

I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Not that there is a guarantee that 2011 will be better. But I can hope, although hope is a dangerous thing. It leads to disappointment repeatedly.

But 2010 seems to have been the year of realizing that despite my best efforts, those efforts are never enough. I end up on the bottom of priority lists. I am on the bottom of my parents priority list. Trying not to care on that one. The bottom of Ducky's list, no longer care about that one. The one who swore to love you forever should never make you feel like you don't matter. Not the chosen one with the boys, they are little and I know the reasons are not really related to me. So trying not to take that personally. And now I seem to find myself at the bottom of someone else's list. If that doesn't change, then they will no longer be on my priority list.

For 2011, I want to be at the top of someone's list for a change. I have spent enough of my life feeling like I am disposable. I want to feel valuable at a job where I feel challenged. In 2011, I want the big changes to end. This year has been one big upheaval and this has been really hard to deal with. I love, crave, adore stability. I want to know what to expect, know that I am loved. I don't want to be someones world, but I want them to feel their world is complete because I am in it. I want to be me and have that be enough. I don't think that is too much to ask.

So 2011, bring me peace, happiness and blessings.

Merry Almost Christmas

2010-12-25T21:02:00.001-08:00

My boys behavior has been atrocious this last week. They have not been living up to their "sweet" nicknames. Between spilling hot chocolate on my laptop, writing on the coffee table and just plain fighting, snarkiness and whining, I was beyond aggravated with them.

So I postponed Christmas. You heard me. I postponed Christmas, until they could act like the boys that I usually know and love. So Ducky had them Christmas Eve and brought them over this morning. Santa still came, we couldn't ask the poor man to make another trip today, and the yearlong record has been pretty good. But all the Mommy presents were going to wait a day. Because if you threaten to do it, you must follow through.

So it was a mellow day. They played with the stuff they brought from Ducky's house and the gifts from Santa. We had dinner and spent the afternoon at our good friends. The boys returned to their normal behavior. And the funny thing is they didn't really mind waiting another day. It just prolongs the fun. I made my point without it being excruciatingly painful for anyone. And for years to come, they will know that mom does what she says.

So tomorrow morning, we will open gifts and we will get to extend that Christmas feeling another day. We will have new toys to play with and games to try. We'll hang out together and maybe enjoy the start of a new tradition. Who knows?

So Much To Say

2010-12-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

All these ideas are running through my head, but I can't seem to articulate any of them.

It is strange to be sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve. I've spent the whole day alone, except for a brief shopping excursion with sweetE, so he could shop for sweetP. I finally got a Christmas card from my parents, two weeks after everyone else, complete with a snarky note. If you don't have someone's address, but you do have their phone number, wouldn't you just call and ask for it? Seems to be the easiest solution. But the gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are ready, only the Christmas cards aren't done. And it took as long as ever.

I am ready for 2010 to be over. It has been a year of great upheaval and unhappiness, change and adjustment. While itt hasn't all been bad, I am ready to move on from all of it. A friend made a comment about how different I am now than I used to be. And I am, even if I still sometimes suffer from soggy pillow syndrome. I have high hopes for 2011. But right now, it just seems a little strange. Like I am still waiting.

Oh, My Velcro

2010-12-14T23:53:00.000-08:00

To My Dearest Velcro,

Happy early Birthday. I don't know if you will make it to Christmas Eve. So just in case, here are many of the reasons I love you.

• Your little doggy eyes always light up when you see me.
• You have the most expressive face and ears.
• The zoom.
• You have been my most loyal friend for more than 13 years, more than most of my human friendships.
• Your nose juice is impossible to get off things!
• The hair right past your nose is one of the softest, most perfect places to touch.
• I was your person.
• You know how to say hi.
• That you would get stuck on the stairs trying to come upstairs to sleep by me.
• You always knew when I needed cheering up.
• You let the boys dress you up.
• You didn't complain when you got demoted.
• You were my first child and in some ways the most spoiled.
• I think you exploded hair on purpose.
• You are the only dog I know that fills and clogs a shop vac with your massive quantities of hair.
• How as a puppy you would roll from side to side in your doggy pool to cool off with a huge grin on your face.
• You made crunchy spots on the carpet when you got a new rawhide bone.
• Your nose drips and leaves little puddles.
• Your happy place is the beach.

Velcro, I'm not ready for you to go. But then again, I don't think I will ever be ready for you to go. I'm so sorry I couldn't take you with me when I left, but I thought you would be more comfortable in your house with your yard and a herd of boys to entertain you. But don't think I haven't missed your sweet self every day. My sweet, silly, wonderful, fuzzy, friend/dog/child. I will always love you.

My Ode to Velcro three years ago.

Um, Speechless

2010-12-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

What does it say when it appears that your own parents have taken sides in your divorce? And the side they chose is not their child's? What does that say?!? They have not out and out said it, and frankly I don't want to ask, because right now I can't handle the answer.

My ex gets the email updates on what is going on in their life. I do not. He got a Christmas card from them. I did not. And we don't exchange gifts anymore, so I cannot expect one to arrive in a package. He was informed of my mother's surgery. I was not. He has received pictures of the boys from them. I have received nothing. When I do talk to them, no mention is made of how I am doing. If I say anything, the conversation ends, abruptly.

I find out what is going on in their lives from him. Even when I talked to my mother on the phone earlier that day! So, am I being paranoid, or does it seem like they chose him over me?

And frankly, with the frustrations of an unsuccessful job search, it is just a little more than I can take. I already have issues of not feeling like I am good enough, and they are fueling that fire like crazy. Let's see, failed as daughter. Check. Failed as wife. Check. Failing to find a full time job. Check. Feel like I am failing as a parent, since the boys are forever wanting to be at the other house. Check. (For the record, I try not to take that personally, but it is still salt in the wound.) It is really no wonder that I am feeling like a failure lately.

You would think that after all the years and ways that I have felt a failure, it wouldn't bother me so much anymore. But, I am forever the pleaser, so bother me it does.

I DARE You!

2010-11-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

In 5th grade, student go through the DARE program, Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Our School Resource Officer, an honest to goodness police officer, comes and teaches it. Students get an opportunity to ask him questions. And this goes under the "kids say the darndest things" category.

Yesterday's questions.
Have you ever shot anyone?
• No
Have you ever had to use your mace?
• Yes
Have you ever used your whacker?
• Yes (said with a straight face, bless him)
Can we see your whacker?
• Yes (and he proceeds to remove his baton from his belt, also with a straight face, while any eye contact with my teaching partner is completely avoided)

Poor man left his whacker in our classroom.

ADHD Bumblebee

2010-11-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

I was trying to go to sleep. Somehow I managed to get myself into bed at a reasonable hour, only to have my brain shift into overdrive. Thoughts are flying through my head in NASCAR style passing each other and changing seamlessly into a total stream of consciousness. Things I want to say to people, but know that I never will. I have the most eloquent conversations in my head, but somehow those particular conversations never go as rehearsed, even if the other person never says a word. I have been known to hold actual eloquent conversations, but never those that I have rehearsed. It is like I use up all the good stuff the first time around. Maybe I shouldn't rehearse anything. But, then again, the people I want to talk to are rarely around when I think of these things.

See how my brain works, it is still slipping around from thought to thought like an ADHD bumblebee going from flower to flower. I should probably do something productive, like write cover letters for jobs I need to apply for. But with how my brain is functioning, I'm not sure they would make sense. Although, the letters that make sense don't seem to be working, so maybe overdrive brain letters would be better. My fingers are having a hard time keeping up with the thoughts though. As I sit here writing, I am analyzing what I wrote in a way that I never have. Am I using complex sentences, transitions, conjunctions? I have to teach writing this year, and all I will say is that I really, really miss teaching science.

What does it mean when you look up and see the word he:ll on your phone? It is sitting on the other side of my laptop facing away from me. It was 11:34 or hell. And now it is apparently time to sell, since it just became 11:35.

I can't believe that this year is rapidly approaching an end. And what a lot has happened this year. I cannot say that I will be sad to see 2010 end. It has been a tough year, filled with change, upheaval, frustration. I keep waiting for everything to work itself out. So much is hinging on when the new job happens. I am ready for it, new challenges, the last big change. Then I think I will have all the change I can handle for a while. But I am so ready for this last change to happen. Now, I just have to figure out the magic formula that will get me a call back. What the magic buzzwords are to list, what game to play, what persona to wear. It's hard for a girl that believes in being straightforward and honest, who says it like it is. So I am just waiting for the company that thinks that those are good qualities to have in addition to a few other strengths that I possess.

Time to attempt the sleep thing again. Wish me luck.

Twists and Turns

2010-10-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

Life has a funny way of doing it's own thing. Regardless of what I think should happen, life is going to do exactly what it wants. I will admit to being just a little bit of a control freak. Ok, maybe more than a little. I like things done the way that I want them to be done. There is my way and the wrong way.

Long ago I planned out my life. I made some modifications along the way. The one day my plan flew out the window and life took over. My happily ever after stopped being happy. My carefully crafted life fell to pieces with one swift move. My backup plan failed. Things stopped happening how I thought. Over and over again.

But, along the way some new things started to happen. I rediscovered who I am. I realized I am a work in progress, that I will continue to grow and change. Happiness has made a reappearance. There are still kinks to be worked out, wrinkles that need to be ironed.

Life is taking its own sweet time in putting the details of my life together. I am learning new levels of frustration in the job search. It will work out, but soon would be nice.

The surprises and changes to what I believed to be true will continue. I will continue to learn and adapt along the way. One day it will all be ok again. Everything will work out. I will be better and stronger. For now at least, it is nice to be happy again.

My Luck

2010-09-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

The school year is starting on Wednesday for my students. I was supposed to be full time long before now. But there are 80 less teachers in my district this year than last. So it is no wonder that I am still only partially employed. I have had six interviews with six identical results. I am not a big fan of the phrase, "we have decided to go with a different candidate." It is not that I didn't do a good job. The latest principal couldn't think of a single thing that I should do differently. Fate and luck have just not been on my side.

So now it may be time to leave education. But how do I parlay my experiences as a teacher into the private sector? How do I persuade people who believe the old adage, "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach." It is a tough year to be in need of a job. My computer science skills are rusty at best. I find jobs that I know I would be great at, but convincing them will be an uphill battle.

I have the feeling that I will be hearing a lot more of my least favorite phrase.

Another Day

2010-08-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

I will just start by saying that I know I have many things to be thankful for. I have two healthy boys that adore me. Even if I hear way too often how they want to go to "Dad's house." I don't take it personally. I do not suffer from any life threatening conditions, although occasionally I have legitimate reasons (as in kidney stones and killer migraines) to think that death might be preferable. And I am living through a divorce that is about as good as a divorce can get. I want what is best for him and he wants what is best for me. In the end, we both want the other person to be happy.

But it is hard to focus on the positive. When all of the negatives are at the forefront! The new school year is rapidly approaching and I am still only partially employed, but enjoy full time bills. I keep hearing "no," even for a full time version of the job I already have. In my head I know that there are legitimate reasons for them to choose other people, but it still hits square in the gut that I couldn't even get that. I am intelligent and good at what I do. And I can't seem to get a job doing what I do well. So what am I going to do now?

I have good days and bad days. Days where I know it will all work out and days where it seems like nothing I do will make a difference. The only thing I feel like I have control over is working out. So I am working out a lot. Trying to shrink the upholstery that I have added over the years. I see progress, but not as fast as I would like.

And I am so tired of being strong. Of not letting the world see all the cracks that I am feeling. All the ways I feel vulnerable. How I would like to cry myself to sleep some night, except I can't even let myself do that. If I do, I wake up to a killer headache. I am being strong for myself. I am at the point that I know I will crack soon. Who will the lucky recipient be of my complete and total meltdown? The person who will get to sweep up the pieces that I have been working so hard to hold together. Other people have family to help hold them together when their world falls apart. I have me. Only me.

My own father told me that "You can do what you want, but don't 'mess up" your kids." No support there. This was after a half hour of listening to how my brother was a saint, and how good Ducky looked. Nothing was said about me, except to do what I wanted as long as I don't screw up my kids. No "this must be hard, or how are you doing, or you are looking good," just don't let it affect the kids. Thanks for caring. It is really hard to feel completely alone in the world. I have some great friends, but they have their own lives and families and can't support you the way family is supposed to. But what should I expect, they have always expected me to to support myself in every way.

But just once it would be nice to feel like I mattered to the people that share my genetics. Except my dear sis who I know will read this, know that you are forever in a special place in my heart as I know I am in yours.

My Funky Monkey Feet

2010-07-14T22:48:00.001-07:00

Check out my new monkey feet. I am training for a walking relay and my new running shoes, the ones that are the exact same as the old running shoes except different colors, were killing my poor little feet. I finished a five and half mile walk and had a blister the size of a dime on the side of my heel. Not even in a normal blistering spot. And my feet hurt. And I had already run about 50 miles in them, so it wasn't that they weren't broken in.

So I started doing a little research. And I found these shoes. It is like being barefoot, but with protection!!! What could be better than that? So I splurged and got a pair. I mean come on, you only have one pair of feet and they have to last you a lifetime. That is true about teeth too, but apparently they didn't get the memo. But I digress, more on the teeth later.

Everything I read said to break them in slowly, that you get sore in a whole new way. So I started with one mile. One little blister and a sore toe, no sore muscles. And no sore feet. Hmmmm. So two weeks later, blister is gone, big toes still get a little sore on the bottom, but I think they will toughen up. The calf muscles were a little sore as I upped the distance, but nothing major. But most importantly, my feet don't hurt when I get home. And this is after walking or running a few miles on pavement. Oh, happy feet.

But boy, they do look a little silly. SweetP has already claimed them when his feet get bigger. The boys have seen a lot of them since almost every night I make them go for a walk or run with me for a mile or two. The boys ride their scooters and off we go.

They look even more like monkey feet on the bottom.

So about those teeth. I somehow managed to chip a hole in the side of one of my bottom molars this morning. I think there might already be a filling there and part of that chipped off. But it is really bizarre that it is on the side and kind of like it was drilled a little. Dentist appointment on Friday. Ugh, I am out of insurance money.

Summer Adjustment

2010-07-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

Every year school gets out and I look forward to summer and relaxing and recharging. And every year those first few weeks of summer are a challenge. I forget until I am a few weeks into it that this happens every year.

The month leading up to summer vacation is a whirlwind of finishing projects and looking forward to the idea of summer. And then it arrives and the reality doesn't match the expectation. It takes a while to find the rhythm of summer. The boys and I have to find our groove together. The sudden end to routines. We have to get used to being around each other all day, everyday. It takes some time to work out the kinks.

This year, I don't know if it will follow the usual pattern. I don't know if we will find our rhythm. It is just one more change in my "Year of Change." But I am hopeful that the boys and I will work it out. No matter what, I still love summer.

Beyond My Control

2010-07-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to see what is coming and have a plan for everything. I like it when my life is neat and orderly.

My life is not neat and orderly anymore. I am still only partially employed and that scares me to death. All I can do is apply for jobs that fit and wait for someone to decide that I am the best fit. And that is out of my control. I can do my best to convince them, but the decision is not mine to make.

I am learning to trust people again. I have learned over the years that the only person that I can really rely on is myself. It is a sad and cynical view on life, but too many times I have been disappointed by people. And lately, that is more true than ever. Family, friends, acquaintances, partners. There are members of my own family that have reached out to Ducky and have not so much as said one word to me. Every single friend that decided to choose sides has chosen his side. There are people who have inadvertently said hurtful things.

It seems like almost everything is beyond my control. So I am doing the only thing I can. I am working on how I react to all of these things. Sometimes it seems that I am failing miserably. But what can I do, but keep working on the only things that I can control. Me. How I feel. Whether I go into over-analyze mode. Whether I let others upset me.

Even with all the upheaval, things are looking like they will be okay in the end. But the waiting for all the kinks to work out is driving me nuts.

Stock in Kleenex

2010-06-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today I needed stock in Kleenex. Today, all of my tanks were on E, the warning light was on. Optimism, energy, hope, all empty. No shortage of changes lately. Normally, I cope fairly well.

All week I have been waiting to hear if I got one of the jobs I had applied and interviewed for. That I really wanted. I think I may be psychic because I just knew I wasn't going to get them. Not because I wasn't qualified. Not because I didn't interview well. Not because I couldn't be successful in them and do a good job. But I just knew it wasn't going to work out.

And it didn't. Today budget cuts were announced. Some amazing people lost their jobs. And because of that, plans changed. What they had decided they needed and wanted changed. While I had been a front runner for two jobs, I suddenly lost out. Not once, but twice in one day.

One of them had just felt right. The principal, the staff, the building. All felt right. Like it was meant to be. I was told it was an excruciating decision. The job has two parts. And my skill set, my strengths seem to be in the wrong half.

Today, disappointment was just a little more than I could take.

The World Just Spins Faster

2010-04-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

I can see June and it is on the horizon. And while part of me is begging for it to be here now, the rest of me knows that I am not ready. There are so many lessons left to teach. Miles yet to run. Things to accomplish. Changes to be made. How will I ever get enough done to warrant the arrival of June.

I wish it was June because then I would know what job I will have for next year. At least I better know by then. I should be moved into a new place so my transient life of packing and unpacking will be over. The divorce will be well on its way to being done. Both Ducky and I will be happy about that. We are the weirdest divorcing people you will ever meet. By June I hope to feel settled again, less crazy and ready to stride confidently into the summer.

But, if it was June I would be cramming in lessons and trying to finish projects. I would need to start thinking about summer stuff. And, dear friends, I promise not to be a hermit this summer. I will go to park days and make play dates and not let the summer pass by in a blur.

But I knew that June would be here in the blink of an eye after spring break. It always is. And yes, I am fully aware that June is still over a month away. Just watch, it will be here before any of us realize. It sneaks up on me every year.

I Am a Stranger to My Own Blog

2010-04-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't written anything in well over a month. I would call myself a slacker, but I know I am not. So I won't. And I have had plenty to say, just no time to write.

I am working on the full time job prospects. Spring break was a blur and I could have used another week. I got another year older. I ran another race and did better, but not as well as I wanted. I took all the snowmen down in my house, finally, but they are sitting in a chair and not packed yet. The packing and unpacking is starting to drive me a little nuts. I am rapidly realizing that June will be here before I know it. Too many of my sentences are starting with I. I am thoroughly enjoying all the good things that have been happening lately. But I am also anxiously waiting for a few other things to happen so I can get moving on other things. Patience is not always my strong suit.

Lots of other life moments, but it isn't necessarily time to share them yet.

Random Ramblings

2010-02-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

I should be grading the tests I gave last week and still haven't graded, but instead here I am. I am completely overwhelmed by life at the moment, nothing huge, just a collection of a little of this and a little of that and it totals just a little too much. As long as I remember to breath it will all be just fine.

I am seriously considering going and getting a pint of caramel cone Haagen Dazs ice cream. It is really yummy, but then I would eat the whole thing this weekend. Then I would have to work out more and I don't have time for that until next weekend. So maybe I will exert some willpower and stay home and hope the feeling passes before I go to the store tomorrow.

I got to hold a one day old baby. He squeaked in that adorable way that new babies do. My arms are sore now. I am super happy for my friend and so very glad that it isn't me. I loved my boys when they were babies, but I have no desire to do that again.

I got contacts yesterday, but didn't want to deal with them today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not until Saturday.

I still haven't finished filling out the application to become full-time. In my defense it is very long and requires memories I have to dig for. I hope to have it done before I leave work tomorrow. Since I am using it to apply within the district I think it is okay that I am using district time to do it. That and I gift them more time than I am using, so it all balances in the end. And come to think of it, I think I was working on it after my work hours anyway.

I need to remember to update my booklist on the side bar before I forget all the books I have read. It seems to be one of the many little aspects of my life that I have been neglecting.

Can't believe that March starts next week. When did that happen? This split week thing that I am living makes the time fly. Spring break is in just three weeks. I want to go someplace fun, but alas I don't think that is going to happen.

I don't like it when bad things happen to good people. My mother-in-law's cancer is back. Doesn't seem fair. She still intends to live to see sweetE graduate from high school. I love her attitude.

I was nearly late to work today because of an accident. An 85 year old woman hit a pedestrian, proceeded to panic and then ran over her twice. And then was worried about losing her license, claiming she was just having a bad day. Did she ever stop to think about the other person's day? I think it was worse than hers. I am sure there is more to the story, but that is all I've got. When I am old, feel free to pull my license before I become a public menace. Sorry if this offends, but elderly drivers scare me. My grandfather used to drive centered on the yellow center line and complain about the other drivers. I would actively pray for everyone's survival, and I don't usually pray.

Even with my delay, I still decided that the stop for coffee was warranted and necessary. I can't say that I am addicted since I generally have decaf, but today I needed the caffeine. I had the worst time getting going this morning.

Have I mentioned my dislike of mornings? And since it will be here long before I am ready, I had better go grade those tests.

Social Circles

2010-02-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I was a party girl. I always knew where the party was and never had to make plans for the weekend. My how things change. Fast forward twenty years and I am a suburban mom. All my friends are suburban moms. My friends from high school, all married with kids. I skipped making the whole college circle of friends, hazard of marrying before college. That and my high school circle went to the same college I did. Then the work friends, married with kids. And finally the mom friends, married with kids.

My entire social circle is married with children. Wouldn't be a problem except for this little twist life sent me. So I have every weekend, kid free. And all of my friends are spending time with husbands or kids. So it appears that it is time to expand the social circle. The only problem is that life in suburbia, especially my neck of suburbia, does not lend itself to finding other people without weekend plans.

Oddly enough, my weekends have been pretty busy. I am looking forward to a a leisurely weekend this week. But I still need to find some friends that will be able to be spontaneous and not need a week of planning and a babysitter to go do stuff. So even though I planned to not start any new projects this year, it is feeling like a new project. Wish me luck.

A New Normal

2010-02-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy week. I have been noticing random things at every turn. But of course haven't written them down so none of them come to mind. Life is slowly settling into a new routine. My weeks fly by now in a way that they never did before.

I have rediscovered the me that I had lost. I like her. I am happy again. Not that life is perfect, nor do I expect it to be. Today, even after walking through the rain, having a migraine and surviving one of the more unpleasant parts of my job (a holiday party) I had an awesome day. And it seems like I feel that way about most days. I have always been an optimist, but now even more than ever. I am still balanced with a healthy dose of reality though, so don't think I have gone all Pollyanna on you.

Life is now filled with packing and unpacking. Hellos and good-byes. A never ending to-do list. Parallel lives.

I am looking forward to each new day. Not getting up in the morning, some things never change, mostly because I don't get to bed when I need to. Even when there are things I know I don't like, like riding school buses loaded with children or holiday parties (both of which I experienced this week), I still have a spring in my step and a smile on my face again. I am no longer the grump in the room. It is interesting how once things turn around, you then realize how bad they were.

So I had better get to bed and get ready for another great, but very busy, day.

A Random Post

2010-02-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post, but never did think of a topic. This window has been open for hours, no inspiration came. I am apparently going deaf because I was watching a movie tonight with my phone a mere two feet away and didn't notice that it rang. Oops.

I only left the house to run today, otherwise I graded papers all day because grades are due on Monday. I managed to get behind again. Maybe I need to use more severe swear words when I swear that the coming quarter will be different.

My dream job is a reality, but will it be my reality. I'll tell you in about a month.

Benadryl gives me insomnia. Hence so does Nyquil. Bummer. This is a new development, wonder how/why side effects can change like that.

Grapefruit juice on paper cuts stings. A lot. Paper cuts should be considered an occupational hazard for teachers. We should be given hazard pay. Won't happen, but a girl can dream.

And now I am going to go dream in bed. Thank you for enjoying my ramblings.

Confidence

2010-01-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

I have gotten to enjoy some serious quality (and quantity) time with me in the last several months. And even more in the last few weeks. I have been able to draw a few conclusions and make a few plans. All of which have brought me to the realization that my confidence in every area of my life had reached an all time low. However, all of that has changed.

Tonight, as I enjoyed a solid case of insomnia, I hopped on the Wii Fit to attempt to get tired. Didn't work, so I am blogging. While stepping away, I was suddenly aware that most of the time I am liking what I see reflecting back at me. My physical confidence has surged in a way that I would have never anticipated. I have worked hard to get here and seeing results rocks. I am still very much a work in progress, but I can definitely tell that I will get where I want to be. And that feels amazing. After so many years of not liking what I was seeing, but not being motivated to do anything about it, I am wishing I had found motivation earlier. I have found the exercise habit, who'da thunk it.

So thinking about physical confidence branched off to other kinds of confidence. I am setting a new course of action professionally and that is inspiring a new professional confidence to go try some new things. It also meant that I got up in front of the entire staff and acted like my authentic dorky self. (It's true, I am a goof ball.) And while I may have caught some eye rolling, I don't care. I was also reminded that teachers are the worst group to present to. We so rarely get to talk to each other that when we are together we have a tendency to talk to each other and ignore the presenter. Of course, we hate it when our students act this way. But overall professionally, things are looking amazing.

Last weekend I had a turning point. I came to some startling realizations. I needed to find my happy. And my happy depends on me. I need to surround myself with people that enhance that happy. I have been in the most amazing mood since determined a plan to make that happen. Even though there have been several challenging events over the past few days, they haven't phased me. I have found my emotional confidence.

I am not going to let these confidences go. I have worked too hard to find them and I am a better person because of it. And I feel awesome, inside and out.

Ups & Downs

2010-01-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was clearly a down day. Somedays it is hard not to dwell on the parts of my life that are laying about my feet in a thousand pieces, clearly not meant to be put back together. Instead, from the rubble something new and better is meant to be built. It is an energizing thought, when it is not completely overwhelming.

I once saw a greeting card that stated, "Pick of the shattered pieces of your life and move on." I am there. And I have forever kicked myself for not buying it. The pickle here, is that I am not the only party involved. And as such, I cannot simply do what I want and what is best for me. I have picked up the shattered pieces and am ready to move on, but I am being held back by others hopes that what is so badly broken can be fixed.

I am motivated by two factors, what is best for me and what is best for the boys. So far the boys are adjusting well. We have tried to limit the changes to their lives. They consistently stay at the house, we move back and forth. They call the missing parent at bedtime every night and any other time they need to talk. We have tried to limit the difficulty for them, because none of this is their fault.

On the upside, my professional life is suddenly clicking in ways I wouldn't have considered even a few months ago. The funny part is that I would have never considered making a change if my personal life wasn't falling apart. As I evaluated what I would need in the coming years, going back full time became a must. Then, because if I was going to work full-time, a multitude of options became available. I needed to take some classes to up my income, so why not get a new license and open more doors. I am looking into becoming an administrator (aka principal). If I am going to be a strong, independent working mom, I might as well go as far as I can. So after speaking with my current principal, I am getting to try on a few administrative tasks. A new position is being discussed (one of those, you didn't hear this but conversations) and my name came up as a potential person to fill it. The puzzle pieces are starting to fall into place.

So there are ups and downs to my life, as there always are. Right now the spectrum is just wider than normal. I am confident that in the end, I will be okay. It will just be a rough ride while I get there.

Run Away

2010-01-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

I want to run away. I want to start over some place else. I want to be selfish and only think of myself for a change. I want to go back in time and change decisions that I made. I don't like how things are. I don't like how I feel like I need to make everyone happy. I am tired of absorbing everyone else's pain. I am tired of waiting for others to figure it out. I want to go back in time and change things. While I can find positives with life at the moment, the negatives are winning. I am tired of holding back to preserve other people's feelings. I am done.

Don't get me wrong, good things are happening in my life. But all the things that are wrong are so much in my face that I can't focus on the things that are going right. I am frustrated with how many friends are quietly choosing not to side with me, as I transition to this new life. This whole process of changing what you chose in life is lonely business and not for the weak. And I know I am strong, but I still wish that it wasn't so hard.

So I want to run away. I want a do over. I love the boys, but the ties they create complicate every decision that I make. I don't like how I feel like no matter what I do I am disappointing someone. It reinforces every low self esteem moment I have ever had. How can I escape the haunting feelings that will forever screw up the boys? I am tired of the roller coaster of emotion.

I just want to runaway from it all.

The Era of Change

2010-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

So my long alluded to changes have begun to happen. Life will be looking a lot different as I grow accustomed to them.

So for quite a few years now, I have been growing more and more unhappy. And last summer it reached the point where it could no longer be ignored. All you have to do is watch the migraine pattern, and most of that was me on preventative medication. I shudder to think of their frequency without the preventative efforts.

I have a gift for ignoring things that I don't like. I bottle them up and shove them in a closet. Not even admitting them to myself. It is a great coping mechanism for the little things in life, but for those bigger problems, not so much.

Today, Ducky and I separated. I have been waiting months for this to happen. There is a sense of relief, as expected, as I slowly come to realize that I am no longer waiting. We told the boys and, for the moment at least, they could care less. They were laughing and joking the entire time we told them and then scampered off to play. That will most likely change as the weeks go by and it starts to sink in what this means.

Only time will tell what happens next, but I feel like the changes are just starting.

Perfection is Exhausting

2009-12-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

I have always known that I am a perfectionist. In recent years, I have been able to narrow it down to selective perfectionism. I believe that if you are going to do something, do it well. I have little patience for doing things half way. So my expectations for myself have always been high. It is one thing when you have these expectations for yourself, another entirely when everyone else expects perfection from you as well.

In the preceeding months, I have been greeted with some version of "But you are the perfect _________ (friend, wife, mother, sibling, etc.)" from a significant number of friends and family members. It is like walking a tightrope with no safety net. One misstep and suddenly you fall from grace, with an audible splat. The stress from trying to live up to the expectations of so many has taken its toll. 74 migraines and counting, the year isn't over yet. I have been sick more this last year than ever. I sleep poorly.

So my motto for the coming year is just to be "good enough." It will be hard for this perfectionist to let it just be good enough. I hope to once again find health and happiness. And to the next person that even implies that I am or should be perfect, look out, you will receive an earful.

It Snuck Up On Me

2009-12-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I would proclaim, loudly, that I only ran when chased. All of my running friends will laugh, because I always said that I just didn't understand the whole "need to run" thing.

And now, I must say, I am a runner. Okay, I said it. Laugh. Only because of how resolute I was that I could never become a runner. I still don't get the whole runner's high, but I'm sure with time that too shall come.

But on those days when I can't run, I am wishing that I could. On those nights when I am fitting in a quick run in the dark and cold, I wish I could be going farther. I never thought that I would ever be that person. I remember a picture from my childhood of me running in a kids race. I think it might be the only one I ever ran, that wasn't required by a PE class. But I was nearing the finish line and I had this big grin on my face and these long skinny legs with little yellow shorts running top speed. I am starting to feel that way now as I run. I don't feel like I have the agonized look that I so often notice on runners faces. The same one that I wore in the photo from my first race. That is not a picture I intend to purchase, even if it does memorialize my first race.

I guess life was chasing me, to get me started. And now, I have just grown accustomed to getting out there and moving. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger, faster, better. Then, there is the added bonus of looking leaner, firmer, skinnier. Even now, that it is dark and cold most days when I run, I am glad to be out there. Breathing fresh air and letting my mind wander.

Traffic Jam of the Brain

2009-12-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking of things to write here, but then as soon as I sit down I can't get a single thing written. I don't know if all those thoughts are stuck in the doorway, elbowing each other to get out so much that none of them does, or they suddenly get shy the moment it is time to become a permanent record.

SweetE announced yesterday that he doesn't need to go to school because he already knows everything. He is about 10 years ahead of schedule on that one, so I may be in trouble. He does thank me on a regular basis for doing normal stuff like wash his favorite pants, so I think I'll keep him. That and he looks darn cute with bed head.

SweetP is doing science experiments in his backpack. Yesterday I got to start my day with a flattened, blackened, slimy banana that had been forgotten in his backpack for too long. I don't know why he refuses to use the trash cans at school, but all of his wrappers and stuff from lunch come right back home in his lunch box. But he still gets excited about the Christmas or winter stories that I read every night in December even if he tries to act like he isn't. I'll keep him too.

Those boys make me smile.

Just Keep Swimming...

2009-11-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

Or in my case, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Unless I am on a hamster wheel, eventually I will get somewhere. Let it be someplace good.

Balancing Act

2009-11-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

How do you reconcile when what you need and what you get are on opposite sides of the spectrum? How much can you adjust what you need to meet somewhere in the middle? Especially when dealing with someone else and their needs, which are opposite of yours. Needs are generally non-negotiable. If they were negotiable, they would be called wants.

I can see where I want to be, but I can't see how to get there. I know what I need, but not how to get it. I am stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place.

I have spent the greater part of today pondering what I am thankful for, isn't that what you were supposed to do today? And there are so many things that I am grateful for. But there is an underlying current of what is wrong that detracts from what is right.

So today I am glad that I have two boys in my life that have the ability to make me smile and laugh one minute and want to pull my hair out the next. I have a team that I work with that will help when I need it, offers a willing ear to listen to my troubles and be my friends. My class is fun to teach and they seem to enjoy having me teach them. I have a home that may not be my dream home, but gives me a safe place to come home to. Velcro, who may be getting on in years, but is the best dog around. And friends that are fun to spend time with and support me when I need it.

One Really Cute Good Thing

2009-11-19T21:24:00.000-08:00

When everything in my life seems to be headed south, I can always count on my one really cute good thing to cheer me up. My sweetE is guaranteed to say or do something that makes me laugh and want to hug him and remind him how much I love him.

I took him to Costco tonight, the Ped pantry was running low on pretty much everything. He takes after his father and will talk non-stop. I can just sit and listen and throw in the occasional, "wow" and he entertains me for the entire trip. He can make the most profound statements to silly, goofball statements in the same breath. Unfortunately, I don't remember most of the things he says, even though I attempt to.

Tonight, he shared with me that a boy in his class chews on his shoes. Collective "EWWWWW!" He then proceeded to tell me all the reasons that was a bad idea, most of them having to do with poop. That moved on to why slugs are grosser than worms (the slime).

Later I was informed that I do not push the cart as fast as daddy (he has longer legs....hello). But we zipped around the aisles anyway, while he gave me fashion advice. He got excited about sliced cheese and complained that the chicken nuggets were Mickey shapes when he wanted dinosaurs. In the cooler he shared his "warm" when I complained of being cold.

We ended the night with him polishing off a ice cream bar (he did share, but he ate 95% by himself). The boy may frustrate me at times, but I can't help but love him. I would seriously keep him five forever if it was possible.

Germs

2009-11-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Our house has been invaded by germs. The only member of the house that has escaped them is Velcro. And he is rapidly heading into geriatric dogdom, so he has his own issues.

These germs are insidious. Just when you think you have got them beat, and you enjoy a couple days of health, boom they come back. The boys have fevers and sniffles, coughs and congestion, aches and pains and whiny-ness galore. But, at least at the moment, there is nothing major or scary about their illnesses. But I want them to be well and happy again. Poor kids.

And I have been logging major hours in bed. I went from being the only healthy one to one of the sick in just a matter of hours. I spent a marathon 13 hours in bed one night and 12 the next. But all that sleep has done its job and I think I will be just fine. I even went for a 2 mile run this morning. Let's hope those germs don't come back for a second act with me!

Mystery Solved

2009-11-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

It is a common complaint amongst women. Why can't men put the toilet seat down?

And I have solved the mystery. As a mom to two boys, I have learned a few things. They can't be bothered to flush. Yuck! And they can't be bothered to lift the seat. And they dribble on the seat. Also yuck!

So moms of previous generations probably had to put with the same thing. And they probably reached the same conclusion that I have. It would be easier, and faster, to leave the toilet seat up. Because having to clean the seat every time before you sit down is getting really, really old. And no matter how many times I tell them to lift the seat, I still find dribble. So I am switching to leaving the seat up. As the only girl in the house, it is the best I can do.

I will still have to flush the downstairs toilet almost every time I walk by. But one battle at a time.

Race Fever

2009-10-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

Today I signed up for another race. I will be doing the local Thanksgiving day race. It has the bonus of not starting until 9 am. Very important in my book. And since I won't be the one cooking the bird that day, I am free to spend my morning running around town.

Then I agreed to join a walking relay next summer. Two days of walking with a bunch of other people what also may be a little nuts. What the heck, it sounds like fun. And I will be able to brag when I start back to work the following Monday.

And now I have to stay up until midnight to sign up for an especially popular all women's run in May. I am also bumping up the ante and doing a quarter marathon (aka 10K+).

What in the world has come over me?

From Caught Up to Overwhelmed

2009-10-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Just over a week ago I was caught up on grading, planning and all things work. I was coming home every night with no bag of stuff that I should work on. Although, to be honest, the bag rarely gets touched once I get home.

And then two weeks with added responsibilities and I am suddenly, and completely, overwhelmed. My pile of work that needs attention is growing by the day. The bag I shlep home every night is growing heavier and becoming a work out by itself. I am flying by the seat of my pants. And the end of the quarter is a mere three weeks away.

And to add to the problem, my motivation right now is non-existent. I don't want to do much of anything. So getting caught up again any time soon, probably not going to happen.

But hey, my students still like me. And I survived conferences. It'll all be okay again sometime fairly soon.

Risks

2009-10-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

My entire life I have had a fear of change and the unknown. I would hang back and watch and wait until I felt that I knew what was going to happen, that it would be okay. I have let opportunities pass me by. I have let go of dreams. I have always taken the safe route. Any risk-taker gene that may have been in me was never developed.

Couple that with an inherent need to please. I would choose what to do based on if it would make certain people in my life happy. If it would grant me some level of approval. I would avoid challenges because the risks of failure and rejection were too great. Even if those challenges were what I wanted most. My choices were never made based on what I really wanted.

Long ago I dreamed of going east for college. I seemed to be on a wide variety of college mailing lists. They fed my dream. But the naysayers in my life made sure that I knew that I couldn't afford to go. The risks seemed too great and the money made an easy out. But I have always regretted not giving it a try. I never applied to a single school. I did eventually go to a state school, but I'll never know if I would have made it in or if they would have made it possible for me to go.

Over the years, I have let go of little pieces of me. Stuck to the safe and easy route. Too afraid to try the new things because I might fail. I teach my students that failure is okay, it is how we learn. It is an opportunity to try again. But I am just as afraid to fail as they are.

And now I am at the crux again. And I have a multitude of people who have an opinion about what I should do. People that I feel an obligation to please. And I have to decide, do I please them or me. Do I risk their disapproval? Do I listen to myself for a change? Do I take the risk and choose the unknown?

I know that it is time to rebuild me. And I have started. But the decisions are hard and the consequences are real. But, the only thing I know for sure is that how things are now is not good for me.

I Rocked My Race

2009-10-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

I ran my 5k race today. The weather report called for 80-90% chance of rain today. But the weather gods chose to smile on me with 60 degrees and sun. Perfect.

My goal was to run half and walk half. Goals are good, it is even better when you blast past them. I settled into a nice steady pace and decided to see how long I could last. And I kept going, and going. And I felt great. Could I maybe run the whole thing??? This is before I even hit the one mile mark. But I kept going and still felt great.

I passed the one mile mark and then the two mile mark and I was still running. I passed a few people, I checked my watch. I was poised to make a new personal best. I walked twice for about 30 seconds each time, but otherwise I ran the whole thing. The whole thing!!!

I ended up finishing in 32 minutes and 36 seconds, or a 10.5 minute mile. When I started out walking I was at 15.5 minute miles. What a difference two months makes. I was smack in the middle of the finishers, 41st out of 82. I was in the top half! Not bad for my first time. I better watch it, I might get hooked.

Just to that Tree

2009-10-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am not a runner. At least not since I was sweetP's age. My favorite line was that "I only run when chased." But every night I tie on my shoes and head out the door. Sometimes I just walk, sometimes I do running and walking intervals. I have watched my time per mile decrease. I have watched as guys in trucks do a double take as they drive by. Or adjust their rearview mirror as they go by. And I am enjoying the new loose quality that my clothes have taken on.

And I must admit that I like it.

Every morning I weigh myself. And the numbers are creeping up again. But I don't care. Because it is not the numbers on the scale that make me decide how I feel. I might stop getting on the scale. Because my clothes are a better gauge of how I am doing. And once upon a time it was drilled into me that muscle weighs more than fat. And I am getting more muscle. And it looks like less fat.

Now if only you could point out to your body where exactly you would like the fat burned from first. Because the place that it bugs me the most, is the place that holds onto it best. But I am persevering. And those stubborn spots will not win. I am more stubborn than they are.

So maybe that nine year old runner is still in me. At least some of the time. At least until I get to that tree, then I'll walk again.

More Walls

2009-10-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

You know those times in your life where it seems like everything is overwhelming and you feel like you are drowning? Where it is an effort to put one foot in front of the other. Where the mundane is too much.

This is one of those times. It has been a craptacular summer and it has carried over into fall and there is no end in sight. The mask I perfected in childhood is coming in handy again. Back when anything less than a happy face was unacceptable. I put it on when headed to work and make it last while I do my daily performance. Then I hide in my classroom and grade papers and plan while it slowly crumbles. Meanwhile life continues on autopilot.

I am completely incapable of dragging myself out of the quagmire that I am in. So not only have I hit the physical wall, but an emotional one as well. It might as well be the Great Wall of China for how I can't see around it or over it. And it seems to surround me.

Stalled

2009-10-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

So today I hit the wall. The walks/runs stopped being fun. Normally this would be the time where I quit. But, this time I am going to keep going and see how long it takes to get past it. It doesn't hurt that the skinny jeans fit yesterday. And I have plans on getting a new pair of skinnier jeans.

I don't think that it is helping that it got cold. I hate to be cold. I don't think that it helps that I am exhausted. However, I did manage to score eight hours of sleep last night for the first time in about six weeks. But I think the Ambien was still running through my system this morning. I know I have not been eating well or drinking enough. And I think all of it caught up with me this morning.

And I have a race in two weeks, dang it. I told you I didn't know what I was thinking. But I kept going this morning long after I wanted to turn around. Around mile four I was feeling better, not great, but better. But I was headed home with fun plans for the afternoon, so I didn't add to the route.

As for the original reason for the exercise, reduced migraines. I am still waiting. And hoping.

Things Change

2009-10-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

No matter what happens in life, one thing is constant. Change. Some changes you plan and some you don't. Even when you are perfectly content with things, they change. Other times, change can't happen soon enough. Some changes you embrace, others you accept and some you fight.

Right now I know that change is happening. I don't know how it will work itself out, but it is here. I have been on a bit of a voyage of self discovery lately. Where I will end up is still a mystery, but I know that it won't be where I am at the moment. And that is a good thing. At the same time, that unknown can be scary. In the meantime, I'll let you know when I get there.

A Race

2009-09-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Make sure you are safely seated before reading on. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I just signed up for my first race. It is a shocking new development for me. The last race that I willingly ran in was "The Little Foot" run when I was about eight.

But in the last month I have added the exercise habit and become a bit of an exercise junkie. So tonight I signed up for a 5k. I had considered a 5-miler, but I couldn't get past the whole start at 7:45 thing, leave the house at 6:15 thing, to go get sweaty amongst strangers. So I found something closer with a later start time. It has the added bonus of being partly on bark trails too. Easier on the shins.

I have three more weeks before the big event. I may have to wonder what I have gotten myself into. But it should be interesting.

Upside Down

2009-09-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

At this moment in time, something in my world is upside down. I don't know if it is my world that has turned or if I am the part that has changed. But, either way, everything is off. And I don't know how to set it right again. Or even if it is possible.

The only good to come out of the chaos that is my life at the moment, is that I am becoming a bit of an exercise nut. My day is off even more if I haven't gotten a walk in. Almost every day, I have headed out for two to five miles of me time. It all started as a way to combat the obnoxious number of migraines I was getting. But it is helping me cope with a host of other issues at the same time. Now, if only it would help me sleep.

And Yet I Cannot Sleep

2009-09-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here tonight. I can barely keep my eyes open. My arms are heavy and tired. My head is throbbing. I am exhausted.

And yet I cannot fall asleep. I can lay down and close my eyes. But then I feel wide awake. My brain is still whirring away. I am aware of every sound, light and movement in the house. Tomorrow I will be meeting my students parents. It would be so nice if I could be rested.

I am so tired of not being able to sleep. I am just so tired.

All About Me, Just Because

2009-09-15T23:20:00.001-07:00

Every now and then I do these blog things (as I call them) just because I don't want to think too much. Today is one of those days.

PUT THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN BOLD.

1. Started your own blog Wow, look here it is!
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/Disney World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo, Terrifying!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea I think, maybe it was a movie.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch More than one.
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning Ugh.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked As a kid, yikes.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise It was called a cruise anyway, but it was a little boat for a week.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language Do computer languages count? Yes.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing/repelling Not so much climbing, but repelling rocked.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke It wasn't pretty.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted/sketched Cut out counts.
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain Just guessing.
53. Played in the mud Is there a kid alive that hasn't?
54. Gone to a drive-in theater Should go again and take the boys.
55. Been in a movie - Almost, got bored of waiting at the audition.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Campfire candy counts!)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (working on it)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job (mutually quit)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous Ernest Borgnine
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby 2 actually.
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day. More than once.
101. Fallen in Love

Might need to go do more stuff on the list.

When You Just Can't Sleep

2009-09-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

One day in the near future I may be accused of being drunk. I won't be able to walk a straight line. Or speak coherently. Or think straight. All because I cannot sleep anymore. I try. I go to bed on time. I fall asleep. But then, I wake up and can't go back to sleep. I lay there and lay there and lay there. I don't watch the clock if I can help it.

I am just seriously exhausted. Even when I take an Ambien I wake up and can't go back to sleep. It is miserable. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I don't want to be awake when it is both dark out and also considered morning. Sleep, please come be my friend again.

Knock On Wood

2009-09-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake yesterday afternoon. I announced, with just a little bit of glee, that it had been a whole week since I had a migraine. I knocked on wood, but I had provoked kharma into blasting me with a migraine just a few short hours later. And it won't go away. I have taken two doses of Amerge and still it lingers. I made it through today by throwing 3 Advil and a coffee at it. But it just won't go away. I can only hope that it doesn't take a serious turn for the worse in the next 24-48 hours. I opted to not go get the "rescue relief" at the doctor today. It is on file for whenever I need it, but it seemed to be getting better. Not so much anymore.

So the next time I decide that I need to announce that things are going so well, remind me to keep my mouth shut and not provoke kharma into reminding me not to brag.

A New Year

2009-09-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today was the official start of the new school year. The week leading up to it is fun but surreal, today the story started. I have 25 new children to get to know, love and be exasperated by. So far, it seems like a great class. But those early days can be deceiving. I had a former student call on the first day one year and tell me point blank that it all goes downhill after the first day. It was funny even if there was some truth in it.

But I am hopeful that the year will be productive and fun. It is a rare day that I don't like going to work. Even when my students are driving me nuts, I still want to go. It is like having children of your own. There is non-stop entertainment, except you get to send them all home at the end of the day. But for the next 10 months I will be bringing them all home with me everyday. They are about to become a part of the fabric of my life.

Lost, But Looking

2009-09-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

Lost and found boxes are very interesting things. You never know what you will find in them. People lose some crazy things. There are things that you question how someone managed to lose that. A single shoe on the side of the road, I have never figured that out. Keys, how did they ever get home without them and get in their house once they got there.

I lose my mind on a regular basis, it always comes back. Don't know what I would do if it didn't. I have never managed to lose my children. But I have managed to lose me. Somewhere along the line, me disappeared. I know it is buried deep within the self I am now. But I miss it. I didn't even realize for the longest time that the person I believed I was, was gone. But in recent weeks, I have become aware of what I am missing. And I wonder how I could not have noticed. How I could have let myself change so significantly.

So I am searching for me. I want the bubble and bounce back. The girl that broke a bed by jumping up on it and then sat there grinning because it was just too darn funny. I want the girl with the ready laugh and smile. The one that would crack jokes and relax and have fun. The one that didn't snap with impatience regularly. I was really fun. Now, really nice people in my life now will tell me that I am still fun. But I know that there is a difference. The lost me would go out often without persuasion or permission. The me I am searching for was up for the occasional wacky stunt. Me had spunk.

So if you happen to find my lost me, send her back this way. In the meantime I will be checking lost and found boxes wherever they may be.

Out Walking

2009-09-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I recently finished reading the book "The Migraine Brain." And while there wasn't a ton in there I didn't already know, the idea that was pounded into my brain was that I needed to be more dedicated to exercise. So before the weather turns cold and unpleasant I am trying to form a habit. The habit that gets my buns out the door and moving.

I have created a 2.1 mile route that winds around the neighborhood. I am lengthening it for weekends. So far, so good. Yesterday I even went in the rain. No small feat for someone who is a fair weather girl. But I went, it is time to kick the migraines to the curb. I also figured out my main stressor, hence main trigger and I am working on that too. I am headed to week four on my new preventative meds.

I swear if something doesn't work soon, I will lose my mind.

The Halls Are Quiet

2009-08-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

It is strange and relaxing to be working in a school before the children come. It has a rare quiet that is absent the rest of the year. The building has been cleaned. The desks and chairs are ready. Once the school year starts, the buzz of the students remains in the building long after they leave each day.

But in the week before school starts, there is just the sound of industrious quiet. Each teacher working in their room preparing for a new group of students. We don't yet know which students will make us crazy, make us worry, make us proud or make us laugh. We can leave each day without mentally taking them home. Because I have 27 children, two of my own and 25 that I share.

But today, it is just the first day of the week before school. It is a fresh start. The possibilities are endless.

So, Was It A Migraine?

2009-08-28T22:54:00.001-07:00

You bet your booty it was. Migraine number eleven set a new record, or personal worst. And it was bent on making me miserable. It was fast moving with all the accessories.

The good news is that I survived today, sans migraine. I really don't want to add to that record, so wish me luck in surviving the next three days without any migraine visitors.

No, It Cannot Be Another Migraine

2009-08-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

So in the continuing saga that is my head, I am really racking them up this month. Yesterday was migraine number ten. And today might just be number eleven, or a new record. I visited the neurologist a few weeks ago and we are trying a new medication to prevent them. I don't think it is working, I have had six migraines since I started the drug 16 days ago.

What do you think?

I have tried all four of the classes of drugs that they use to prevent. We are now onto a new drug in one of classes as we work our way around again. My heart rate is great, but I think that is the end of the effectiveness of this particular drug. I am supposed to be on it for two months before we switch. I may not make it. And I go back to work on Monday.

He Finally Gets It

2009-08-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Quite a while ago I decided that sweetE would not go to Kindergarten when he was 5. We would wait. His birthday is so close to the cut off that it just seemed like a bad idea. Many people think that this is because he is my baby and I am not ready to let go just yet. But, in fact it has more to do with the students that I see and the difference between the youngest in the class and the oldest. The younger ones struggle so much more academically, socially and emotionally most of the time. There are exceptions to every rule, but sweetE has not given me any reason to believe he will be an exception.

This spring I was having to justify my decision to everyone, Ducky, sweetP, parents of sweetE's friends. Everyone thought he should go to Kindergarten. SweetP's reason was funny, he wanted to be sweetE's buddy at school. Ducky said he hated being the oldest. But one way or another sweetE was going to be the youngest or the oldest. I would rather that he have the extra maturity on his side.

Ducky has gone along with my plan grudgingly. So I have been repeatedly giving examples of why keeping sweetE back is a good idea. Ducky grumbles and agrees. But he never really got it.

Until he saw sweetE in action with his peers. Ducky is sweetE's assistant soccer coach. Last week, he came home and announced that he "finally gets it." After watching sweetE compared to the other kids on the team, he sees the difference that being so much younger makes.

I don't feel like I need to sell him on the decision to keep him back from Kindergarten anymore. SweetE gets to spend one more year in a small class where his teacher can take the time to help him settle in. Where he won't get lost in the crowd of kids and be overwhelmed by the expectations.

And he is still my baby after all. I might as well enjoy it while I can.

Hmmm, What Am I Getting Done Today?

2009-08-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just for fun, I am tracking what I get accomplished today. Some days it feels like I don't manage a thing. So today, I will see what I do get done all day. I'll be updating all day, just for kicks and all.

• Sewed the tail back on Cuters the stuffed animal. What animal he is, is a bit of a mystery.
• Started and finished doing back to school clothes shopping for the boys. It is very handy that they are boys and young enough that it is easy to do online. And gotta love the Old Navy sale, I can buy slim jeans for my super skinny boys with adustable waistbands for $7 off the regular price.
• Did the dishes.
• Started one load of laundry, folded and put away another load.
• Dealt with too many wrestling, tickling, shrieking tournaments to keep track off. And it is just barely 10 in the morning. It could be a very long day.
• Assigned chores to be completed before lunch. We'll see if it happens, the boys have not been entirely cooperative lately.
UPDATE: They actually did their chores.
• Helped sweetP with a song on the piano. Can't say it was the highlight of the day with the whining and complaining, but he did finish the song and it is sounding better.
• Took a shower.
• Changed the sheets on sweetE's bed.
• Took off the sheets on sweetP's bed and my bed.
• Made 2 pepperoni and cheese sandwiches, toasted, to fill the order that my two little diners requested. There are no requests at dinner, you get what you get. Lunch, I take requests.
• Did the dishes, again. The sink is empty, a rare occurrence.
• Gathered wayward socks and other miscellaneous clothing items that never travelled to the clothes hamper. Shockingly, none of the belong to me. Okay, not so shocking.
• Dealt with the boy that threw the book, and the boy that was hit by the book. Thought about the end of summer and fewer of these incidences once school starts.
• Sorted clothes and started another load of laundry. Folded and put away earlier load. The dresser drawers are getting full again.
• Made lemonade for the boys.
• Made brownies because they sounded good and I intended to make them Saturday. Do you see how far behind I am? SweetE helped and got to crack the eggs for the first time.
• Checked status updates on facebook and checked for new blog entries. I also investigated the delight of the day at Delight.com. They have such cool stuff.
• Took a quick break to catch my breath. Better go get a glass of water, I haven't been drinking today.
• Ate a brownie with sweetE. Yum.
• Folded and put away another load of laundry and continued the cycle with a new load started.
• Matched socks and sent them to their respective rooms.
• Played two races of cycling on wii sports resort with sweetE. I tired out my virtual mii.
• Vacuumed the family room.
• Spot treated the spot on the carpet where Velcro peed. His parents fault for forgetting to put him out one night.
• Yet another load of laundry started and one set of sheets folded.
• Changed clothes just in case I had to act as assistant coach for sweetP's soccer practice.
• Took sweetP to soccer practice, didn't get my exercise, the regular assistant was there.
• Harvested a head of broccoli from the garden.
• Made a super yummy and nutritious dinner, that the children only slightly resisted.
• Did the dishes again.
• Trimmed the dead flowers off one of my hydrangeas and trimmed the shrub next to it while I was there.

Still coming up, making sweetP's bed and my bed, getting the boys into bed, finishing the laundry and straightening up downstairs some. Then I hope to settle down and read for a while. Or more likely collapse.

Conversation with an Almost 5 Year Old

2009-08-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, why don't our bodies come apart?"

"Because then you would lose some of the pieces."

"Do they come apart when you die?"

"Sort of."

"Unless you become a zombie."

"Why do they put dead people in the ground?"

"So we can't smell the stinky."

"But can they smell their own stinky?"

"No, their noses don't work anymore."

"Why, because they fell off?"

"Something like that."

Later...
"Mommy, don't cut off my toes."

"Why would I cut off your toes?"

"The knives are right here."

"I wouldn't cut off your toes, you need them."

And the most frequent conversation....
"SweetE, why did you [fill in crime here]?

"I dunno."

Oh, My Throbbing Head

2009-07-23T02:20:00.000-07:00

It is two in the morning. I am awake. I went to bed at nine. I was laying in bed wondering if death was a viable option. I was also wondering what kinds of brain surgery I was willing to endure and with what long term effects to not have to endure any more headaches.

I have had four migraines in less than one week. I am not so much living as existing. When I am not having a migraine I am anticipating when the next one will hit. I am afraid to do too much and then trigger one. I am becoming afraid to live.

The worst part is that I have been being good. I have been going to bed on time. I have been getting my 8+ hours of sleep. I have been valiantly drinking my water. We all know that I hate drinking water. I have been doing my best to not stress or get grouchy.

I finally had a drug that had them under control. I only had one mild side effect that I could totally live with. Except there was also one major side effect that would have been detrimental to my long term well being. So I am no longer taking the drug. And now, I am spending half my life with a headache and the other half waiting for one.

I go in to see the neurologist again in three weeks. I really wonder how I will make it that long. I wonder how many options are left to explore. I have tried so many different drugs to prevent them. None had worked well or they had side effects that were problematic. There was the drug that if I sat down in the afternoon, I could not stay awake. There was the drug that gave me daily headaches. Then there were the ones that just didn't work.

All I know is that if this continues I will require a padded room because I will lose my mind.

Because I Can

2009-07-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

After hearing many of my friends talk about how stubborn their young children are and about how they just want to be independent I came to a bit of a conclusion.

I am very much in touch with my inner two year old.

I am fiercely independent. I hate to ask for help. I prefer to just do it myself, thank you very much. Tonight, I tried to break my toe rather than let Ducky move the chair part of our sectional while I was vacuuming. Because I could do it myself. It got caught on the rug and then skinned up my toe and made me almost curse out loud (there was a lot of cursing in my head). In the end, I let him move it back into place, but I wasn't happy about it. It's not that I don't want the help, it's just that I know I can do these things without help. I know it drives Ducky crazy, just the way that it drives my friends crazy that their kids don't want help. They want to be independent.

In my family growing up, you didn't ask for help. You just did it. You got the job done. You figured out a way to do it. And that mentality has stuck. It takes a lot for me to ask anyone for help.

Then there is that nasty little stubborn streak in me. It could have something to do with that whole independent thing. But once I make up my mind, then why go to all the trouble to make it up again. I thought about it, I did all the work, I'm done. It's not that my mind can't ever be changed, but there has to be a pretty convincing argument.

So my inner two year old is doing quite well. She is butting heads with my children, challenging my husband and keeping everyone on their toes.

Book Recommendation!! The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart
It is a Young Readers Choice Nominee for 2009-2010 for the 4th-6th grade division. I just read it over the weekend and it is a great read filled with action, suspense, puzzles and mystery. It was a fun book for kids or adults.

The Lazy Days of Summer

2009-07-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am searching for the lazy days of summer. It sounds so delightful. It is 80 degrees, so warm, but comfortably so. Sitting about on my swing on the deck, a glass of lemonade sitting on the table with ice cubes tinkling lightly while little beads of water form on the glass. A tantalizing book in my hands as the boys play in the yard running and having a grand time. They are not yelling or being excessively loud, but are obviously having fun and letting me enjoy spending my summer days with them.

Thus far it's a myth. Instead, we have been errand central. We have been on the go and on the move every day. This is very unlike me. Today sweetP said, "Mommy, when can we just stay home for a day?" as we headed out on the second errand trip for the day. But I had to go to the pharmacy so I could lower the dosage on my medication. It had to be done today. The wonder medicine that was keeping the migraines at bay, was making the kidneys not work properly. Properly functioning kidneys are important. So back to the drawing board for the headaches and off we went.

As for summer. There are projects galore, park days and play dates. Free movies and concerts, camp and camping. Trips to the grandparents houses and off to the beach. There isn't a dull moment in there anywhere. There are errands to run and games to play.

I think I will have to schedule a dull moment or two. Otherwise I'll arrive back at school more tired than when I left.

Sometimes

2009-07-03T00:13:00.001-07:00

Life just stinks.

Just Another Bag of Lemons

2009-06-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Life is handing me one lemon after another these days. I have a whole bag of them just sitting here. I'd make lemonade, except that I gave up citrus since it gives me migraines. So what is a girl to do?

I'll give you some examples of some of the lemons.

I went to the dentist to get me teeth cleaned and checked. I go twice a year, just like you are supposed to. I have been brushing twice a day and working hard to prevent any new cavities and doing a great job. I have even been remembering to floss frequently enough that I haven't been given any lectures. But... wouldn't you know that one of the old, big fillings is broken and I need another crown. My second in a year and I have already maxed my dental allotment for the year. Total Lemon.

The last seven weeks of work I had to do double duty because my teaching partner was on family leave. I am thrilled for her, but the substitute she ended up with (after many unsuccessful attempts at others) ended up being a bit of a dud. She was a very nice lady, but completely wrong for a long term job. So I had to do my job and half of hers. Consequently, I didn't get all of my work done that I had planned on and managed to run myself ragged in the process. Lemon.

The lack of sleep from the end of school caused me to get a cold on top of my allergies and I am still trying to recover. It has been a week since I got done working and I am still waking up feeling exhausted. The boys have even been letting me sleep until eight in the morning, meaning that I have been getting 9 or 10 hours of sleep a night and I'm still totally exhausted more than a week later. Throw another lemon in my bag. This morning was a little bit better, so at least there might be hope. Although it is nearly midnight as I write this, so maybe not.

Then there is the van. I never wanted a mini van. I was talked into the mini van. I have always said that all vans are evil, even the mini ones. And I have been proven correct. Our van is cursed. It has been hit by a bus while parked. We weren't lucky enough to have it totaled by the bus. It has been rear-ended by a person lacking insurance. It got a crack in its windshield for no reason at all. It got a clean bill of health one week only to have the transmission go out one week later on the day we were planning to put it up for sale! I hate the van. We then find out the transmissions on these vans were recalled and that the transmission had already been replaced once. So the transmission is only 5 years old and needs to be fixed. Spell it out with me. L. E. M. O. N. I hate the van. Which now means that there is no way that we can sell the van for what we owe on it. And there is no way that I am paying to fix a car that neither one of us even likes. Throw a couple of lemons in my bag, because this one is a doozy.

Oh, the migraines. Let's talk about the migraines. The chiropractor is not working. I seem to get more of them when I see her than when I don't. I am going to experiment with being really busy this summer and not see her for a few weeks and see what happens. Is that bad? How do you say, "Your adjustment seem to cause headaches, not cure them." It just seems mean. Then there is the fact that the new medicine seems to be working. Great, right? Wait, lemon ahead. I have to go in and have more blood work done. There is a chance that it is making my kidneys not work. Bad. Functional kidneys are kind of important. So if the blood work comes back with the numbers too low, I have to go off the meds the make the headaches go away. Then we are back to trying something else that may or may not work. Hand over the lemon.

Then the last lemon because I need to go to bed. Someone I love is waiting on the results of a biopsy that could make the rest of my lemons very minor in comparison. So a whole bag of lemons all by itself.

So life, please send me something else for a while. I'm a little tired of lemons.

Too Busy

2009-06-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

I will be too busy to post until the last grade is posted, the last file is filed and the last area is cleaned in my classroom. Until then, feel free to chat amongst yourselves I will be too busy to notice. :)

Speeding Ticket

2009-06-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

If there was a police officer out there, my life would be getting pulled over any minute now. I am going to wake up tomorrow to the last day of school. And I will be crying out, "But wait, I haven't taught you X, Y or Z yet!" But we will be sending them off to middle school and it will be someone else's turn to teach and inspire and worry about them.

Even thought there are two weeks left before that day, I feel like it is tomorrow. The number of special events and interruptions have cut the amount of time we have to wrap things up in half. On one hand I am so ready to be done, but on the other I just need more time.

He Gets His Wish

2009-05-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

My sweetE gets his wish tomorrow.

For months he has been asking to go to the dentist again. "Mommy can I go to the dentist." Every time we drive past the dentist. Whenever we talk about his teeth. It has finally been six months and he gets to go again. He is thrilled. Jumping up and down excited that he gets to go to the dentist.

His dentist is great. I am so glad I changed my insurance so we could take him and sweetP to a pediatric dentist. I am so glad that they will not be filled with panic and dread when they think of the dentist like I was as a child. Instead he begs to go to the dentist.

Let Me Get My Sailor Hat

2009-05-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today I sounded like a sailor with both feet firmly planted in the gutter. I swore more in one hour than I have in the last two year total. I might have made a rap artist blush. And poor Ducky got to hear most of it.

Once upon a time, last week, my credit union decided to close ALL their branches here. And all I got was a cheery little letter a week in advance telling me that I could still do all of my banking via online banking, over the phone and at the ATM. Isn't that super. So last week I closed the boys accounts since I can't do their stuff online or at the ATM.

Enter today. I am tired, I stayed up way too late, too many days in a row. I have some errands I need to run. The main errand being depositing money into the now not-so-convenient credit union account. I call to see if they at least left their ATM open to simplify my banking needs. That would be a big, fat NO. Why make things easy for all of their customers that they just left high and dry? So, I head off to the nearest non-credit union ATM.

I think it might be important to share that I have never in all my years ever made a deposit at an ATM. I like to have a little face time and have always gone in to the branch to make my deposits. It just seems like a good idea to give my money to a human directly. So, I drive up and see that you need an envelope and they don't have any and so much for that idea.

So I drive across the street to yet another bank. I have to walk up to this ATM. I am getting seriously annoyed at the amount of time that this is taking, when if my branch was still open I would have been in and out and on to the next thing on my list. So I walk up, feed my card in the slot. I enter my pin and I cannot find the part where is says make a deposit. No envelope is required, but I cannot find the option to make a deposit. I have gone through the options twice. I have canceled the transaction and started over.

I call Ducky. He tries to help, but he hates to do tech support and he can tell that I am just about to lose it. Firetruck is flying out of my mouth about every other word. I am feeling incredibly stupid at my inability to complete what should be a simple task. I have a Master's degree in computers and I cannot operate an ATM. Couple that with the fact that I hate to ask for help or directions and I have a tendency to cry since I had kids, hello really bad day.

So I go in to find out why I cannot manage to make it work. Long story, short. Bank ATM's cannot talk to credit union ATMs. So while they will let you take money out, they won't let you put money in. I have wasted 45 minutes of my life trying to accomplish the impossible. So I waste 10 more minutes yelling at the credit union people.

Why couldn't they have left the ATM's open? Why couldn't they have sent the nearest shared branching locations with the cheery letter? Why couldn't they have sent a list of full service ATM locations with the cheery letter? Why couldn't they have sent the letter out more than a week in advance? They claim they sent it out almost a month in advance, but I didn't get it then and it has no date on it.

All in all it is the little things that can send me right over the edge. My sailor hat is back on the shelf. I shouldn't be needing it again for a while. I went to one of my other credit unions after work and deposited my checks. But it was 20 more minutes out of my day that I needed to spend on other things.

I just wish they put people before profit like they claim to. And I wish they seemed to care at all about my inconvenience. I liked them up until last week too.

Taking a Moment

2009-05-22T23:58:00.001-07:00

It is late, but I am going to take a moment to be grateful.

It has been a crazy week. But more things went right than went wrong.

• The family is all healthy again!
• My students only drove me slightly nuts this week. They are 5th graders, it is spring, this is to be expected. So all in all, I am happy that I have a pretty great class overall.
• The district feels that all lay-offs and transfers are in place and I am still in the place I want to be.
• Last night two boys were fighting over who got to sit next to me at dinner. It is nice to be loved that much.
• The weather forecast for the long weekend is sunny and warm.
• Phase one of sweetP's room is done. I am ready to move to sweetE's room.
• I am only traveling as far as my backyard this weekend. I will not be sitting in traffic or dealing with crowds. I will be hanging out with my three favorite people in the world.
• The new medicine to prevent the migraines seems to be doing a pretty good job.
• As I see the problems that people around me are facing, I feel pretty fortunate. Life is being pretty kind.

Roller Coaster of Life

2009-05-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks there have been so many ups and downs that I feel like my life is just a new attraction at a theme park with ups, down, loops, corkscrews, twists and dark tunnels.

I am trudging up the hill to the end of the school year frantically trying to get the last of the units in before I run out of time. At the same time there seem to be more last minute activities that pull kids out of the classroom and take away from my teaching time. I have a month to cover the entire universe. Wish me luck. I'll be happy if we thoroughly cover our solar system.

I survived a speedy descent into the dark and scary tunnel of the stomach flu last week with Ducky and sweetE. All three of us came down with it within six hours of each other. That was fun. SweetE recovered quickly, but Ducky and I weren't so lucky. I was seriously contemplating going in to be hooked up to an IV for fluids.

There was the big loop of my sweetP turning 8 last week in the midst of the rest of us being sick. He was good about it. It is still hard to believe he is that old. He had his birthday party on Saturday, it went great and all of his friends had fun. He has had a bit of the "Birthday Complex" since then, but should be back to normal in a few days.

There is the major twist that they started announcing layoffs at work last week. While I can safely say that I will have a job next year and I am relatively sure that I know where, there is always a chance that things will change. They could say that "You will be teaching math at X middle school or Y high school next year," which would majorly suck. Then, there is the fact that I feel so badly for all my friends and colleagues who already know that they don't have a job for next year. There are significant changes for my building. So much is up in the air and I am so tired of cuts in education.

There are all the day to day twists and turns that keep things from getting dull. Weird weather. Pasta sauce from the pantry, that was already open(?) so it is moldy and can't be used for dinner. Insect research project for 2nd grade due in 2 weeks (who thought that was a good idea at this point in the year?). Promises made to cute boys that need to be kept. Mount Laundry. 2 wasps in the house. Random noises. Temper tantrums. Possessed toys.

For the moment I am living for the long weekend. Just get me to three days without scheduled work. Get me there without an illness, headache or other unplanned event. A flat patch of track is all I'm looking for.

The Birds and Bees

2009-05-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

I hear the most amazing stories about what happens when I leave the house.

I had to go in to work on Sunday. On Mother's Day, can you believe it. I had to put the projector back and do some bare minimum planning. Not that it did me any good when I had to call in sick on Monday. But, this is the story that was relayed to me about what happened while I was out.

SweetP was playing with one of the boys down the street. Ducky and sweetE were working in the yard. SweetE was running around being his usual helpful self. They were mowing the lawn and pulling weeds and really sprucing up the yard. It looks great. At one point Ducky thought it would be helpful to remind sweetE to be careful of the bees.

To which sweetE replied, "I know all about the birds and bees."

That should make the teens years much easier. One less awkward conversation in my future.

Hallmark Holidays

2009-05-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

It is another one of those let's appreciate the people around us days. Buy them a card, flowers, a gift to let them know how important they are days. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. But I have a thing about being told when to do things.

I think if you really appreciate someone, tell them and show them all the time. Don't designate one single day, so you can be off the hook for the rest of the year. Frequent words and actions convey the message without a trip to any store or any special day. I know that as people get busier they need a reminder, but I also know that the more significant the relationship, the less that reminder is needed.

My sweetE made a card in preschool with the help of his teacher, it pretty much said it all. "If I had a million dollars... I would give it to you so you wouldn't have to work." He only wants his mommy to stay home with him. He gives the best hugs and tells me he loves me all the time. He lights up when he sees me. I have Mother's day every day.

My sweetP, is a slightly more reserved kind of guy, more like his mom. He still runs up and hugs me at school, he holds my hand when we are walking. He snuggles under the fuzzy blanket when we watch TV. He may be growing up, but has no problem being my little boy. I have Mother's day every day.

I don't really like that one day. It lessens the other days where they spontaneously appreciate the things I do. When sweetP thanks me for washing his favorite t-shirt. Or when they get excited because I am making pancakes for dinner and pronounce that I am the best mommy ever. Those moments are so genuine.

I hope my children never feel like they have to get me something. I hope that they will always want to let me know that they love and appreciate the things that I do for them. Like today when sweetP told me that he loved his shark that I painted. It meant more than the expected "thank you mom," because I knew that he really appreciated the time I spent painting it (all day) and loved the final product. It is really cool and looks great in his room.

So Mother's Day was okay. But tomorrow will be better when life can go back to normal. I can be appreciated for the normal stuff I do, just because.

Ever Wanna

2009-05-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just want to just go outside and just scream(except I am not a screamer)? Not because any thing is wrong or for any specific reason. But just because life has just reached an overwhelming level and it won't slow down and no matter what you do you can't catch up and you just need to press the release valve. I picture those whistles like on the old steam boat willie cartoons. Do something, so you can catch a breath, gain a little perspective and then it will all be okay again. Nothing would have changed, but you would feel better.

I keep catching myself thinking in fast motion, like a person who is talking fast so they can get the story out fast because they are running out of time.

So I am stepping outside and letting go, please plug your ears.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I will be returning to my regularly scheduled sanity in the morning.

Broken Skateboard Shelves

2009-05-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

SweetP's room is nearly done. We decided that it was in everyone's best interest to put these boys in their own rooms. So last weekend, I painted the former guest room Cool blue. I kid you not, the color is called Cool. He moved in on Monday. This weekend, the plan was to paint a very cool clip art shark on one wall of the room in white. Except that I have come down with what we are unofficially calling the swine flu. Because that is the disease du jour. Everyone knows that, it is all over the news. So the shark has been postponed to next weekend.

Instead, I sent the boys to the mall to get birthday party stuff for sweetP's party. While there, they stopped at the skate shop. I had seen skate board shelves in the Pottery Barn catalog for a price far above what I was willing to pay. We had a plan to find a deck cheap at GoodWill and make our own shelf. But Ducky and the boys did one better. At the skate shop they asked if they had any old or broken decks. They had some and asked what we wanted to do with them. SweetP got pretty excited about them and they guys at the shop thought it was a pretty cool idea to make shelves out of the broken ones. So they gave us two broken decks.

The boys came home and after a quick trip to the Home Depot for some brackets, were able to install four very cool new shelves in sweetP's room. He promptly filled them with his treasures. They are the first things you see when you enter his room. It really is turning into a very cool room.

Broken or Out of Order

2009-04-26T22:04:00.001-07:00

It seems like things are breaking left and right around here. In just the last two weeks.

First the windshield on the van. Fixed.

The refrigerator was recalled as a fire hazard, broken in my book. Fixed.

Then the baking element on the oven, second fire hazard in a week. Fixed. The good news, we all know where the fire extinguishers live.

The kitchen faucet. Fixed.

The airport, so I can have internet and hence email, blogging and facebook. Fixed.

The coat closet door is rubbing on the floor. Still not fixed, no time to pop the door off the hinges and sand it down a smidge.

The fan on Ducky's laptop. Not fixed, but still functional.

Blue paint spills on carpet by very cute boy. Not fixed, but will most likely be replaced later this summer.

My head. Still not fixed, still mostly functional, still working on finding a fix.

I think we are good for broken stuff. It can stop now.

Stealing Electricity

2009-04-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

It is Earth Day. My sweetE is running around upstairs when I hear him yell, "Mommy, we are stealing electricity!" I turn the corner to see him turning off the light switches.

We were wasting electricity. I am teaching him well.

Buddha Fish

2009-04-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I was feeding the boys fishies. SweetE's fish always seems hungry, I think it goes with being a gold fish. That and his bowl is always dirty. SweetE was hanging out with me and he asked me about his fish.

"Is my fish a golden fish?"

"Yes"

"Is sweetP's fish a Buddha fish?"

"No, it's a Betta fish."

"Oh."

A few minutes later.

"I want a Buddha fish too."

I know he can say Betta, but he insisted on calling it a Buddha fish. As long as he doesn't try to rub its belly for luck we should be okay.

The Migraine Saga Continues

2009-04-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I went to my two month follow up visit with the neurologist today. So two months would have been back in November, but life happened and thus it didn't happen until April. He called me on it. He obviously does not, nor has he ever had small children and a life.

I also have an inability to remember to take medication in the morning. No morning routine and constant interruptions from those small children. He called me on that too. Refer back to my thoughts on him and small children or children in general.

We reached these conclusions. The medicine I am currently taking to prevent migraines is not working. Obviously. Even though it has dropped my pulse by 14 beats per minute. I think that is a significant amount, he did not.

So, we decided on a new medicine. One that requires three visits to a lab to share my blood. Ugh. The medicine has plusses and minuses attached to it.

Minus: Previously mentioned blood draws, potential to increase chance of kidney stones, potential for cognitive issues (not permanent), possible tingly toes or fingers

Plus: May significantly reduce migraine (duh), may cause weight loss (yeah), may cause me to sleep better (always yeah)

So, I will be discussing the whole kidney stone issue in a few weeks when I am checked for any new stone formations, aka time bombs of pain.

I am well on my way to the land of the geriatric with the number of specialists I am collecting. Which would work out well since my primary switched to geriatrics and I loved her.

Where is My Dog?

2009-04-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Laying on the floor next to me is a dog that looks remarkably like Velcro. But, this dog is naughty. He did things that my Velcro has never done.

This dog ate two of the Easter eggs that were hidden by the Easter bunny for the boys. At least they were real eggs and not chocolate, so no vet visit was required. He did eat shells and all, ugh. Velcro would never eat the eggs even if they were on the floor. In the last 7 years Velcro has not eaten the eggs on the floor. So where is Velcro? Was he abducted by aliens? Or is this the new Velcro that feels like old age should have some privileges?

He is a spoiled dog, with his personal carpets up the stairs, automatic pet feeder, daily walks by sweetP and biscuits every day. So I hope this naughty behavior comes to a screeching halt. It is strange not knowing what to expect from him.

Update: This morning it appears that he may have peed on the floor. He has never once done that since we got him 11.5 years ago. I am going to assume that he just threw up water instead, that is less unnerving.

Because I Have Nothing Else to Do

2009-04-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

I finally broke down and joined facebook. Because I don't waste enough time blogging, I thought I would challenge myself to more computer time challenges. But, I was feeling out of the loop and here we are. I managed to get married to Ducky again and confirmed my relationship.

Should be a hoot! See you in one cyber form or another. :)

Girl Envy/Grief

2009-04-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have a serious case of girl envy.

Disclaimer: I adore my boys. I do not in any way wish they had been girls. They are who they are and I love them. I would not trade them for girls.

But everyone I know in the last two years who has had or will be having a baby is having a girl. Sure, friend of friends are having boys, but in my circle, all girls. And that is hard to take. Take a trip back in time with me.

Long ago, as a teenager, surviving a less than my ideal childhood I swore off ever having children. Until, I met an adorable little angel child who changed my mind. She was three or four, strawberry blond and the sweetest child I had ever known. She was easy and loving and never once did anything wrong. I am completely serious. I adored her and got to spend several afternoons a week taking care of her. I decided maybe children were in my future after all.

So I began to plan my children. I would have a daughter and she would be like my little angel child. Sweet and quiet and helpful. I got my grandmother's china tea set with matching little hutch. I would be ready for tea parties and dress up and crafts. I saved my practice wedding dress (sewn out of sheets before I made the real thing) to be a costume when she got older.

I knew my first would be a girl. By sheer wishful thinking, that baby would be a girl. I needed a girl. I needed a wonderful mother/daughter relationship to make up for the one that is still lacking. The ultrasound tech said boy. I didn't believe her, they make mistakes all the time. Nonetheless, I cried on the way home. After two more ultrasounds, both with a proclamation of "boy," before I gave in and accepted I was having a boy.

The day came and my precious sweetP was born and I was in love. I had a boy and that was okay because the next baby would be a girl. We knew there would be at least two babies. I adored my baby boy and decided boys weren't so bad. To this day, I sometimes get teary-eyed when I see him asleep all peaceful and quiet with hints of the little boy that he is quickly outgrowing.

So the time came when we decided it was time to have another baby. This pregnancy was different. Morning sickness. Carrying the baby lower. Deep longing for a girl. All sure signs that this would be my baby girl. The ultrasound tech said she, but then pronounced we were having a boy. This time even I saw that it was a boy. No second guessing. We would have boys. We talked about all the ways that it would be easier. I sobbed the entire way home. This time, there was no guaranteed next time. We were discussing being done at two. There would most likely never be a girl.

The next day after working the entire morning to pull myself together. I thought I was better. But on the way to school, I saw two little girls with pigtails skipping down the side walk in cute flowery dresses. While simultaneously, a song about little girls came on the radio and I lost it again.

I felt guilty. Here I had another healthy baby on the way and a coworker had tried unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. But every time someone asked about what I was having, the tears flowed. Much, much later, when I was no longer a hormonal mess, I realized that I was not sad I was having a boy. I was grieving the death of a dream. Ever since the moment I first decided to have children, I had envisioned a little girl with pig-tails and dresses. A mommy's girl.

I had that second baby boy. I loved him upon sight, once I finally got my hands on him. They gave him to Ducky first and he barely let me get a glimpse. My sweetE is still my cuddly boy. He will let me just hug on him as much as I want. I couldn't ask for more. He is darling and sweet and wonderful (and all little boy) and I love him to pieces.

But part of me still feels like something is missing. Every time another little baby girl makes an appearance, I am just a little bit sad that there was no little baby girl for me.

Just One Question

2009-04-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it that a child can have a napkin or Kleenex right in front of them and still use their clothes, or worse, your clothes as a napkin/ Kleenex?

I don't remember a clause in the parent contract that says, "You will become a walking Kleenex." I would be a wealthy woman if I was paid for every time I have said, "I am not your napkin/Kleenex."

Cry Me a River

2009-03-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

At one point in my life, I rarely cried. Not that there was a lack of things to cry about. There was an abundance, but I was the stoic sort that keep things neatly bottled up inside. It was safest that way. If they can't see your pain, they can't use it against you.

Then one day, that changed. I generally blame pregnancy and hormones for the shift. I, incorrectly apparently, assumed that once the hormones regulated I would return to normal. But here we are four and a half years post baby and the tears stream freely. I cry over tv commercials, songs on the radio, stories people tell and books that I read.

I have only just dried my eyes as I finished my latest book. The tears forming little rivers as I mourned a fictional character. It bothers me how easily I cry these days. It happens at inopportune times. While explaining myself to my ________ (boss, child, husband, friend), my eyes fill. While driving down the road and certain songs come on the radio. I have soaked the cuffs of my sleeves removing tears in the hopes that no one will notice.

I just wish I wasn't quite so transparent.

Suicide Fish

2009-03-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

It was only a week ago. The family went to the school carnival. The cafeteria was packed, it was busy and loud and everything a carnival should be. I was cringing on the inside, as crowds make me tense. But the boys were in heaven. All day we weren't sure if we would make it, sweetP had not been feeling well. But he really wanted to go, so much that he took a nap in the afternoon.

All around the perimeter there were games, there were more games down the hallways and out into the gym. I never made it to the gym [bummer ;)]. Ring Toss, Fishing, Balloon Darts, Duck Pond, all kinds of games. And food, pretzels, nachos, cotton candy, pizza, and so much more.

We each took a boy and off we went. Ducky and sweetP took off to play games, sweetE and I mostly hung out and waited in the cotton candy line. Ducky and sweetP played the gold fish game and wouldn't you know, they won a goldfish. I have never in my life successfully gotten the ping pong ball in the fish bowl. At the end of the night, we claimed our loot. One goldfish, four-two liters of Coke, one ring pop, an LED fan and two poppers.

We didn't think it would be a good idea to put the little goldfish in with our big goldfish, he has a history of eating fins and snails. Didn't seem like a nice welcoming gesture to get eaten. So Ducky put him in a cereal bowl on the kitchen counter. The plan was to get him a bowl of his in the morning. All the boys went to bed and I had the house to myself.

It is eleven o'clock and the house is quiet. I am going through the regular night time routine of locking up the house and taking my medicine. While getting into the dishwasher to get a glass, I notice something on the floor. I see the suicide fish. The fish has leapt out of his bowl, gone across the kitchen counter and landed on the floor. I cannot leave him there, and it would be better if the boys find him belly up in his bowl rather than the floor. That and I don't want to deal with the potential consequences should Velcro decide to eat him.

So I peel him off the floor, he had started to stick. And unceremoniously slipped him back into the water. Wash hands and get on with going to bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his gills move. Suicide fish is alive! Did I mention he was stuck to the floor, he had been there for a while. So now, instead of going to bed, I am cheering on a goldfish. "Breathe fishy, breathe. Come on little fishy, you can do it." Once his breathing seemed to be going okay, I moved on to swimming. "Come on little fishy, swim, swim, swim." Poor guy's little fin was injured when I peeled him off the floor. He could only swim backwards. I went up to get him a fish flake to help entice him to swim. Not that I eat when I don't feel great, but it was worth a shot.

I left him to recover and decided it was time to get into bed. But only after covering his bowl with plastic wrap (with little holes cut into it) just in case he got any more crazy ideas of escape.

The next morning he was still alive. Nothing short of a miracle. So while I took sweetE to a birthday party, Ducky and sweetP went to get him a bowl. He was in his new home and seemed to be swimming better. He had been named "Sparky Sparky Doom Fish."

The next morning he was dead. Poor fish never really had a chance. Sloshing home, new environment, jumping out, another new environment. He certainly lived up to the Doom part of his name.

We cleaned his tank, filled it up and headed to the pet store. We came home with Darty the Betta. Darty is doing just fine and enjoys his new tank immensely.

Back on the Migraine Train

2009-03-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

After what appeared to be great success with the chiropractor, I seem to be headed straight back to hell. We are upping my visits again, but dang this sucks. I also finally scheduled my follow up with the neurologist, I am only 4 months late.

If you are not sure what I am talking about, just check out the migraine total on the sidebar.

Motivation

2009-03-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

I need something to light a fire. I am feeling ever so unmotivated. I have a bazillion projects, or at least it seems. But I am leery of jumping into any of them. I don't want to get neck deep into a project and then have to drop it because life got in the way. I have been getting things done. But I don't feel like I am making any headway in the big picture. Every where I look things appear completely overwhelming.

I have this problem that when things get too overwhelming, I just shut down and don't get any of it done. I counsel my students not to get in too deep, but feel myself doing that exact thing. I have a great quote on my classroom wall, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I just can't choose the direction to start in. I loathe to do anything half way, but getting it done the way I want doesn't seem to be possible anymore.

So what am I to do? Maybe I will put together a vote of what project I should launch into and you can help me decide. But not until tomorrow. I need to go to bed if I am to avoid the germ factory within my house and the headache factory that is me.

He's Got the Look

2009-03-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I got to choose sweetP's clothes. At the store, at home. I had fun picking out his clothes and enhancing his cuteness.

Somewhere along the line he has developed an opinion about his clothes. He has fashioned himself a look. He wears his look nearly every day. It looks something like this.

Jeans, preferably with ripped knees. At one time, he never went anywhere with ripped knees. "Ripped knees are cool mom."

Long Sleeve Underarmor. These were purchased to keep him healthy during soccer season. Now they keep him a comfortable temperature as he traverses the school. It is a known fact that the temperature in a school can vary by as many as 20 degrees. At least every school I have been in.

A short sleeve t-shirt. He has a few select favorites. Unfortunately, it never seems to be the one that I pick. Even if my choice was a favorite the week before. Then he proceeds to unfold and rummage through the entire drawer to find a certain one.

Tennis shoes. Always double knotted. The shoe tying is still a little shaky.

Every day of the week. Unless the two underarmors are dirty. Then he will choose a long sleeve tee to wear.

He is still cute, but I miss seeing him in a polo or sweater every now and then. Those generally only get worn when I play the "I'm the mommy card," in relation to picture day or some other special event. My little boy is not so little any more.

Back on the Balance Board

2009-03-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

February was not my month. Sick, tired, sick and tired. Last year February was not my month either. But March is here with flowers and warmer temperatures (I hope). Yesterday, I came to the distinct realization that those pants that fit before the holidays were just too snug and giving me the most unflattering muffin top. Untamable even with spandex.

I have never been one that is big on exercise. But, I also really don't want to go buy new clothes in a bigger size. So this morning I dusted off the balance board and logged on. I was informed that it had been 35 days since my last visit. Did I mention that February was a bust. Much to sweetE's dismay, I chose free step. He wanted me to do the running. I prefer to only run when being chased, but I promised that after my step I would run with him.

So after 30 minutes of stepping and watching HGTV, I did two short runs with him. Here's to looser pants, more energy and even fewer headaches. Wii Fit, the only exercise I can manage. But whatever gets the job done. Right?

Honesty, 4 Year Old Style

2009-02-25T21:58:00.000-08:00

Exhibit One:
My sweetE got scared of a noise this morning while I was taking a shower. So he came and hung out in the bathroom with me. No big deal, until he pulled back the shower curtain and said, "I see your huge bum." Um, thank you. Note to self, work on teaching him tact. Truth be told that in comparison to his tiny tush, mine is huge. However, I don't need the reminder.

Exhibit Two:
I was getting coffee before heading to work. It was unusually busy today, so there was a line. While I waited patiently in line, a cute little girl says to her mom, "Mommy, that lady is beautiful." Ahhh, thanks. I later learned that she liked my skirt, and that she had a skirt at home. Little did she know she made my day. Either her mom, or the mom's friend made a comment about holding her breath once she started to make that comment. Because with 4 year olds, you never know what is going to come out of their mouth. See exhibit one. I told her that I have a four year old and that I completely understood. Note to self, pull myself together more often, because I did look good today.

Two Seasons

2009-02-22T21:44:00.001-08:00

I came to the realization today that there are two seasons in the year. I say this as I am eating a Cadbury Caramel Egg, wickedly delicious little goodies.

Today I had to run to Walgreen's to pick up Melatonin. A girl has got to sleep. On my way out I wandered down the seasonal candy aisle. Big mistake. The Easter candy is out. Someone should mention that it is February. The Valentine's candy has barely a dent in it. I have a distinct inability to walk past the caramel eggs without getting some.

I am eyeing the eggs all night. We are currently in the candy season. Depending on who you are, it could be called chocolate season. It starts around back to school time when all the Halloween candy is out in stores. If there are small children in the house, like I have, there is enormous amounts of candy from Halloween. If we manage to get rid of the Halloween candy, Christmas is right around the corner. Out comes the fudge, the toffee, the caramel corn, the chocolate.

No sooner have you recovered from Christmas, if you are lucky, and it is Valentine's Day. Sweets for the sweet and all that. (Let it be known that I gave out puzzles this year.) So here we are barely past V-Day and the Easter stuff is out. Easter is the last official event of the candy season. But of course all that Easter candy lasts until the start of BBQ season.

Once the weather starts warming up, the patio furniture comes out and the grill starts seeing regular action. It is officially BBQ season. Some might say it kicks off on Memorial Day, but I know that as soon as there is a nice, sunny day after a long wet winter, the season has started. We have 4th of July BBQ, August BBQ, mostly because there is nothing else going on in August and it is too hot in the house to even think about turning on the oven. The official end would be labor day, but with those dark, wet winter days coming, it really extends until the rains come when we are forced inside.

This revelation from someone who isn't a foodie. I am a little surprised with myself.

Proud Mommy

2009-02-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

My darling sweetP has had a bit of struggle when it comes to reading.

Flash back a year. Last year at this time, I was bribing him to read with M&M's. He struggled and got frustrated at the drop of the hat. He cried, he made me want to cry. Homework time was a battle. In this era of assessment and benchmarks and monitoring, his teachers were concerned. A conference was called, it included his teacher (whom I adore), his reading teacher, a special ed teacher, a reading specialist and Ducky and I.

There was talk of having him evaluated for special ed. There were graphs and charts and questions. Ducky was getting a crash course in teacherese. I knew all this stuff. I was not worried about my sweetP's progress. He was making some, it was slow, but he was getting there. I was definitely not going to allow him to be evaluated for sped. I knew some of the people in the meeting were thinking, "Now, there is a mom in denial." I know because I have been in these meetings and thought those things. But I knew my little boy and I knew he would be okay.

When he was learning to talk, he was a late bloomer. Then one day it clicked and he talked, and talked, and talked. I had the feeling that his verbal skills were just a little late in blooming for reading as well.

So we hatched a plan. I would read with him every night for 15 minutes. It would not matter if it was a weekend or a holiday. We would read every day. We would see what kind of progress he made with this extra practice. His teacher loaned me easy books to use. He improved. They were still worried about him, but he was off the crisis list. We ended first grade below grade level, but better. He took a summer reading class through the school with his reading teacher.

At the beginning of second grade, he was still well below grade level. He had moved reading groups, into one with fewer interventions. I spoke with his teacher today. She looked up his reading scores. My sweetP was at grade level! He had improved from reading 28 words per minute to 78 words per minute just since September. Those gains are huge. Normal gains are closer to 20-30 words per minute over a whole year.

Tonight he finished a 136 page book. A book with a reading level for the end of third grade. A book that he would pick up and read willingly for longer than the assigned time.

I am so very proud of how hard he has worked. I reminded him of how hard it was for him just a year ago. I hope that he remembers this lesson that even when things are a struggle, if you persevere, you can succeed and enjoy them. I know that he is proud of himself. When I told Ducky the news, sweetP was beaming.

The Art of Mime

2009-02-12T07:47:00.001-08:00

February is not turning out to be my month. Last week I had the monster head cold. Sinuses so congested my teeth hurt. Yesterday I woke up with a slightly sore throat that progressed into a gravelly voice by the end of the day. Today I can only whisper.

I hope I can talk by noon. We have a field trip this afternoon. I feel fine otherwise, I just can't talk. A bit of a hazard in my profession. Otherwise, my class will be playing charades as I mime my instructions. Can't you see it? At least I don't have to teach today, only do crowd control. We are going to see a play. Our afternoon will look like this, get on the bus, get off the bus, sit in an auditorium, get on the bus, get off the bus. Not much for me to say, I am practicing my looks this morning. The one that says, "Stop this instant." The one that says, "Be quiet and pay attention." The one that says, "Nice job."

Today should be a hoot!

Signs of Spring

2009-02-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Last week, when I was too sick to enjoy it, there were signs of spring. The temperatures made a brief visit to 60˚. The crocuses have little flowers on them as they spring up through the leaves left over from fall. Velcro is shedding like crazy.

But then, the weather forecast for tomorrow has a chance of snow. We never have snow this frequently in winter. If we have anymore school cancelations we might not get out before July. Unless the budget predictions come true and then I will have the longest summer vacation on record. We might get out in May. I don't believe it will come to that, but still.

I am ready for the 60˚ temps to be a common occurrence. I want flowers and sun and warm rain. There is no way to avoid the rain, so it might as well be warm. I want to wear flip flops and capris and short sleeves. I want to be warm and have the door open and fresh air. I know it is only February. But, I love spring and all the renewal it brings.

The crocus above are not my crocus. It is cold and dark outside. I might try to capture mine, but not tonight.

Winter Blah

2009-02-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

I am so ready to say good bye to winter. And the cold. And the cold that has taken up residence in my head. The cold that is making me miss my book club. The cold that the prescription Sudafed cannot tame.

I don't like to be cold or have colds. Cold is not a nice word. After 10.5 hours of sleep last night, I was supposed to wake up all better. Didn't happen. So we'll try again tonight.

Teacher Bliss

2009-01-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

We are writing letters to President Obama in class this last week. The kids are really excited that we are really going to send the letters. It is not just another writing assignment, but a writing assignment with a purpose. We are putting them on school letterhead to make them official. I am hoping that we get some kind of form letter back on official white house stationary. That would really excite them.

In these times of prescribed curriculum and discontinuation of projects due to lack of time, it is fun to see the kids get excited about something. Last week they watched the inaugural address and witnessed history. There were lots of ideas that all of my students picked up on and were interested in. But it has been a week since the speech, it was ancient history in the 5th grade world. So today, I found the weekly radio address on iTunes. It included some of the ideas from his inaugural speech and I thought it might reignite their fire as I try to get these letters finished. So I played it for them today before we got to the business of writing. And they were intent on the screen, quiet, and focused. Ahhh, bliss.

Then they set to work. Some of them set to work. Others decided it was the social hour. Decidedly, not bliss. But, slowly they all settled in. And for approximately 90 seconds, the room was silent as every student was hard at work. More bliss. Until someone saw the look of bliss on my face and commented on it. All eyes turned in my direction and that was the end of the bliss. It was a moment that showed me that no matter where their skills or interests are, I had captured them. It is teacher nirvana, 100% engagement. It is rare and elusive.

Quote of the Day

2009-01-24T18:25:00.001-08:00

"SweetP is a meaniac," said sweetE.

Update: The reason, sweetP wanted to play by himself for a while.

The End of my Woes?

2009-01-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

My sister and a good friend have both been swearing by the chiropractor to get rid of migraines for years. I, however, was leery. It was another thing, like the food allergies, that my parents have been talking about for years as well. Not to cure migraines, but to cure any of your woes. Not in time to do anything about my migraines when I lived at home and had health insurance of course.

So, like the food allergies, I dismissed it and went on my merry way. I am not saying that food allergies don't exist. Quite the contrary, I know they do, I have them. The kind where you swell up and die. My parents do not. They are allergic to anything edible, breathable and drinkable. And it changes with each new allergist they see. Hence my dismissal. So to my parents, you are old and have not taken good care of yourself, you will have aches and pains. It is not because of something you ate. They do not read this blog, so I will not be in the doghouse any more than normal.

But back to the chiropractor. The other reason I never saw a chiropractor was that it wasn't covered by my insurance until October. But the ten migraines in a month pushed me to try something new. That and I hate taking pills and I am up to three each night. Any more and I will have to get one of those pill minders. Hello, geriatrics.

Ducky's office shares space with two chiropractors. How convenient. Two chiropractors that take my insurance. Much more convenient. And I stopped in when I was at his office and one could fit me in within the hour. So I took the plunge. I make a smashing impersonation of a bowl of rice crispies next to a microphone.

She works from between my shoulder blades up to my skull. I leave all limber and loose. I have not felt like that in as long as I can remember. I carry my tension and stress in my neck and shoulders. I have seen her twice a week for three weeks. And I have not had a migraine since the night after my first treatment. It was probably already in process before I saw her.

With that success, we have decided to see how I do if I only see her in a week. I will be kicking myself that I didn't do it sooner if I stay headache free.

The other funny thing, one of my students told me that I should see a chiropractor for my headaches back in the fall. I had told my students that I get a lot of headaches, so please be nice and quiet for me. Hey, it sometimes works. She came up to me one day and said that her dad was a chiropractor and that he can fix people who get headaches. I would clone her in a heartbeat if I could, she is an amazing kid and not one to make stuff up.

So a headache free me is a happy me. I have a huge sense of relief. I don't feel like my life is going to completely overwhelm me any more. I do not feel frustrated that I am missing out on life and fun all the time.

New Best Friend

2009-01-22T22:03:00.001-08:00

The chiropractor is my new best friend. I have not had a migraine in two and a half weeks. Yippee! I go see her again tomorrow. Gotta get up early tomorrow, so must get to bed on time.

No migraines!

Sleeping Arrangements

2009-01-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

I have intended to post all week, but you can see how that worked out.

All week we have been anticipating the big night. SweetP's first sleepover slumber party. He has never, until last night, slept away from us. There has been a parent home with him every day of his life. So with a little trepidation on my part, and a lot of trepidation on Ducky's part, we sent him off to spend the night with his friends. We made arrangements that if he wanted to come home at any time, we would come get him. We didn't need to, he did fine and he is one tired boy today.

He was beside himself with excitement. We packed his backpack, found his sleeping bad and put all of his stuff down stairs. We took him to their house and without so much as a backward glance he was off. We called him back to hug is brother and tell him bye. And we left him there. He really has graduated from little boy to big boy. I am not sure that I am ready for my babies to grow up.

Poor sweetE was distraught when we dropped him off. We hadn't even gotten off their porch when he started to cry that he missed his big brother. To attempt to make things better, we let sweetE pick dinner. Mmmm, mac and cheese and french fries. We watched "Wubbzy's Big Movie," I fell in and out of sleep the whole time.

I decided that I should go to bed at the same time as sweetE. I had promised that I would lay down with him for a little bit and I was afraid I wouldn't get back up again. So, I offered to let him go to bed with me in the big bed. We snuggled in and within two minutes my sweet little boy was fast asleep. I took a little bit longer and took a trip down memory lane.

I remembered the first few days of his life when we spent our days dozing in the hospital bed while Ducky ran back and forth between our house and the hospital. I thought of how little and perfect he was. I realized that he may be big in comparison, but he is still little.

I thought back to when he got his big boy bed. Every morning he would come to my door way and when I spied him, I would pull the covers back. He would fly over and climb in and snuggle up for a good morning cuddle. I remember the look on his face said he couldn't believe his luck. I knew it wouldn't last and even when it was early I loved it. Now he just heads downstairs with his brother.

It wasn't long and the sandman got me too. I was off to sleep with a boy in my arms and a smile on my face.

Self-Employed

2009-01-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

I have a gripe. There are far too many people that think that self-employed = unemployed. That people who are self-employed are available any time of day to collect packages, hand over keys and take care of other things that the working people can't be home for. That standard also of applies to people that "work" from home, they aren't really working anyway. So imagine if you are self-employed, working at home.

Self-employed people don't get paid if there isn't work to be done. If they play solitaire or cruise Facebook during the workday, they are cheating themselves of valuable time. That is not to say that breaks are not necessary, healthy or beneficial. But the weight is squarely on their shoulders. Especially if they have a family.

And I have a rant. There are certain new people in our life, temporary thank goodness, that fall into the above category. I wish they would just move already. They are under the assumption, knowing virtually nothing about us, that Ducky is a stay-at-home dad. They have been informed that he works for himself. On more than one occasion, they have acted put out that he wasn't available at the exact time they needed a favor. That he would have the audacity to not be home when they needed a package collected. What else does he have to do all day? I think they are rude and presumptuous based on their demands for our time and lack of consideration.

We have worked hard to juggle our little family. We sacrifice a lot to be able to have a parent home with the boys most of the time. Ducky gets up well before the world begins to stir. He is half done with his official day before most people even arrive at work. After work, he continues to be available to clients, take care of our boys, help with the house and take care of our needs. We like to be a good neighbor, we take in trash cans when people are out of town. We let the people across the street know if they forgot to close their garage door. We are friendly and helpful when we can. Most of our neighbors are the same, we live in a great place. But, just because someone happens to be home most of the time, does not mean they should drop everything to do your bidding. It does not mean that we will be home all the time. Do not expect us to change our plans because you do not want to change yours. Do not complain if we have to be gone when you want something. Can you tell that I am annoyed with someone. A specific someone.

I really don't like it when people think their needs trump everyone elses. Favors should be asked, not demanded. I just don't like rude people. And self-employed is not code for unemployed.

End of gripe and rant. I feel better now.